Transparency
by EditionsOfYou
Summary: "Its fiction. By definition, its not honest. Its not meant to explore anything. As for transparency, fiction's aim is not to clarify- if anything, its aim is to confound." *Now includes added optional sequel Believability *
1. Transparency

Thank you for clicking onto my first Gravitation fiction This is a one-shot, or a kind of AU "what if" story. It deals with the same issues that the anime does- homosexuality, mental illness, dysfunctional family dynamics, attempted suicide, mentions of sexual assault and abuse. This story also will include drug abuse and hospitalization, so I'm including that as part of the trigger warning. Also a great deal of emotional turmoil/ angst ahead.

I wrote this extremely fast so I apologize in advance for its shortcomings or if it makes no sense at all. In addition, I have not thoroughly read the manga, and I'm basing this story very loosely on the anime- although the plot and dialogue might coincide with both.

* * *

Transparency

"I sat in front of the screen for hours. I wasn't getting anywhere so I went to one of my usual bars. After three hard drinks , I realized I didn't want to take anyone home after all….or rather, no one appealed to me that night. Although sex and the pursuit of sex is usually a welcome distraction, I decided to walk the park instead."

Eiri pauses.

Walking in the park alone at night. Just another thing to add to his list of frequently indulged in risky behaviors - although how much of a risk was it? He doubted he could ever encounter anyone there more questionable than himself.

"That's how I came across this."

Eiri removes the paper from his jacket pocket. He's been carrying the crumpled thing around with him like a talisman for the last several days and feels slightly embarrassed handing it over to his psychiatrist. It feels like an admission.

"What is this?" She says, bespectacled eyes on the paper.

"It's a poem. Or lyrics of some sort."

He lets her read them .

Then he says "Awful aren't they?"

"I wouldn't say that.' His psychiatrist replies softly. "They're quite…heartfelt."

Heartfelt. Right.

"As Wilde said, all bad poetry springs from genuine feeling." Eiri sneers. "I don't know why I picked it up, and I don't know why I didn't throw it away immediately after .

"There must be a reason."

"Hell. It probably wouldn't leave my mind even if did throw it away. I try and forget it and my memory wakes up screaming. "

"You didn't see it's author, did you ?"

"No. The paper was thrown to the ground like the trash it was. Nobody was there to claim it. " Eiri sighs. "Then again, why would anybody. Except a moron."

"Could you be more specific?"

The writer's fingertips tap on the arms of his chair. "About what."

"Who do you think the writer of this poem might be like?" She asks.

"Other than a moron?" He sneers. "Is that why I come see you for? Questions like that?"

The psychiatrist's dark eyes remain fixed on his. She is, as always, unflappable.

She hands the paper back to him like a prescription slip.

Eiri takes it back. He frowns at it.

"Well. Just by looking at the handwriting and the notepaper I'd say the writer is young. He's nearly still a boy… maybe on the cusp of manhood. He's… optimistic. Energetic. Naïve. Kind of a wuss. Arrogant enough to write a love poem but ridiculously insecure as well- trying too hard. He's hungry for approval. He's annoying. Uninspired . Not too bright. He doesn't have the slightest idea what love is , but he wants it. He wants it from everyone. Like I said, he's stupid …"

The psychiatrist tilts her head. "And if you told him what you thought of his lyrics , what would he do?"

The author shoves the paper back into his pocket. "The damn brat would probably try to prove me wrong."

* * *

"What." He growls into the receiver.

"I have been trying to contact you for the several days Eiri. "

"And?"

"You haven't been picking up your phone."

"That was for a reason."

"I see. Regardless, its good to hear from you. "

"I can't say the same. "

"I apologize then. I did not mean to disturb you."

Eiri puts a cigarette in his mouth. "Its too late for that now."

"Are you busy?"

"Yeah I am Tohma. I'm writing."

"That's good to hear. Are you enjoying the process so far Eiri?"

"No." He lights the cigarette." it may be the worst thing I've written, but it feels necessary to get down."

"More so than your other works?"

"Maybe."

"I hope you will allow me to read some of it."

"Ha." He flicks the ash away. "If you're lucky."

* * *

"Please Eiri. Just consider it. Ayaka would be a wonderful wife to you. She's intelligent, kind and accomplished, and from an upstanding family. She's a proper lady- nothing like those frivolous bar girls you cavort with. "

Eiri suppresses a scornful cough into the receiver.

"Who I cavort with is none of your business and if what you say is correct, Ayaka would be just as wonderful of a wife to somebody else. There are plenty of eligible men in Kyoto. It shouldn't be hard for someone as desirable as herself to find a husband."

"Exactly. You don't know how fortunate you are . You shouldn't let this opportunity pass you by. Ayaka is in high demand and she'll soon be off the market."

"What is she ? A stock and bond?"

" Wouldn't you like to meet her. Just once?"

"No Mika."

"Why not? Does tradition means so little to you that you're not even willing to give it a chance?

"Why should it mean anything to me. If you want to carry on with your arbitrary and antiquated customs, go ahead but I have no interest in marrying a near stranger."

"Every family has its obligations ."

"Our family is nothing but- and my obligations lie with myself now. The family name will drag on , but I will make certain it will drag on without me. It's been enough of a stone around my neck."

"Disregard that then, if you must! It doesn't change anything. The most important thing is that Ayaka does _love_ you Eiri. She'd take good care of you."

"So what. Who says I want to be cared for."

" Just for once think of Ayaka. Don't her feelings have any value?"

"To her maybe, Not to me. If it is that. How could she? She doesn't know me. An even if she did, what difference does it make?" Eiri feels familiar and bleak feelings mount inside him like an oncoming squall. It's the feeling of frustration and anxiety he get from having the same useless conversations over and over again.

He snatches a vial of pills from his drawer and shakes out the bottle into his palm.

"Loving somebody doesn't confer any claim to them. It wouldn't work. One can't stand there and simply allow themselves to be loved . She'll want an involvement from her husband. One that I can't give."

"_Won't_ give. Won't even _try _to give."

"That's right." He tilts back his head and swallows the pill dry.

"You may believe that now, but everyone I know finds her very likeable -"

"Then I definitely dislike her. Likable is not my type."

"Then what is your type precisely?"

"Not your type Mika. But I'd no sooner love a _nice girl _than anyone else. A wife would be a profitless distraction from my work. I'd just resent her."

"Why are you so ungenerous?"

"I prefer the term realistic."

"So this is part of your so-called realistic attitude. You push everyone away. You just accept being alone."

"Of course I've accepted it. I accept facts."

"You have no idea what you're talking about do you. Do you even know why you're fighting this so much? Its ultimately what's best for you."

"So you think what's best for me is relinquish every possible decision of mine to you and Father? What I think what would be best for me is for you all to go to Hell."

"Oh stop it Eiri. You act as if I'm intentionally trying to upset you and disturb your peace of mind, but if you didn't behave how you do, I wouldn't have to so concerned. Believe it or not ,I'd much rather do something else with my time then make sure you stay out of trouble!"

"You wouldn't think so."

"I'm only doing this because I worry for your sake- and then I'm treated like a villain for it! Do you think I like this? No! I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the struggle and the arguing-"

"You mean to say you're sick of me. That's fine. I'm sick of you too Mika. You've been coming over and calling me too often, so why don't you stop doing both. Frankly I feel better when you aren't around."

"No I won't. I won't give up on you. Whatever happens, you're still my brother."

"I wish you wouldn't remind me of that."

" All I'm asking is that you be honest with yourself. Don't you want someone else in your life you can rely on?" She continues. "besides Tohma and I…"

"No." Eiri hisses. He thinks: Not again. "I don't want you or anyone else in my life. Stay out of my business."

She sounds exasperated. " Eiri how can I? "

"You can. Its very easy. You say this arranged marriage is what's best for me? In truth it's what best for everyone else but me. Its you who benefits most of all. You always were the good daughter, and by marrying me off to the woman of your choice, you solidify your position as the eldest and ensure that everyone reflects well upon the family. As an added bonus, you get to foist the burden of "managing me: onto somebody else who is more or less a substitute of you. So now that you know that I have no interest in complying with your little scheme, why don't you give it up? You can now say you've done your due diligence and quit. No one will blame you."

Mika sighs shakily.

" …Haven't you ever considered once… that I might just simply want you to be happy?"

Eiri hangs up.

* * *

"I think I'm starting to remember something I rather not remember."

"Like what." His psychiatrist says.

Eiri doesn't respond.

Instead he gazes ahead.

"Like what Eiri?" She repeats again.

"Its nothing." Eiri replies. "I'll keep myself occupied."

* * *

They have coffee at the café of his choice.

"So your latest romance is about…. a relationship between… two men?" His editor hesitantly asks.

That seemed pretty clear from the pronouns he used throughout. Then again, Eiri thought it was pretty clear that this book wasn't a romance. If anything ,it's more of a satire about the media and the entertainment industry. But he doesn't say this.

Instead, he says "Yeah, and?"

"You haven't done anything like this before." The editor says. Her manicured finger circles the rim of her cup. "I didn't know …that interested you.

"Why." Eiri demands. "Does it bother you?"

"No…." She answers weakly. " No it doesn't."

"Right." Damn right it shouldn't, he should say, because we are both enlightened modern individuals who know that if two consenting adults are fortunate enough to care for each other, their genders should be irrelevant. Right?

Nevertheless, his gut twists.

Instead he says "If it's a solid story so far, what's the difference?"

"It's a surprise. Your… readers won't expect it."

That's meant to dissuade me? He thinks.

Eiri says "Yeah. They probably won't."

"So what is the desired result here? Are you trying to access a new audience? Or is this a means of… reinventing yourself? Are you…"

"Am I what."

She stares at him.

Eiri takes a sip of his coffee "You mean to ask me if I'm coming out." .

"…Are you?"

Is he?

"Never mind that." Eiri says. "What about the writing."

"Its uh superb Eiri.' She glances down at her copy of the printout. "Despite the difference in the subject matter …and the uniqueness of the characters… its unmistakably your style. That is not in question. I understand you are a true artist and I understand about an artist's integrity - I do- but"

Eiri highly doubts that. And he's not an artist. He's a mid tier romance novelist.

"In general, the sales of novels have been slipping recently. There's not as much of a demand for what you offer and it isn't a prudent time to take a creative risk. " The editor says, but she has the decency to sound apologetic at least.

Eiri knew she was going mention this but it still annoys him. Is there ever a prudent time to take a creative risk? What does she want from him? Global fame? A noble prize for literature? For some big film studio to buy the rights to one of his books and make a mediocre but profitable film out it? Then maybe she'll stop bothering him for a while. Not likely.

He resists the urge to get up and leave.

He says "What's your point."

"Fine. I know you don't care about that. All I think is that you should at least keep your mind open for some constructive criticism. "

"What do you suggest then." He says.

She put her hand on his.

"I'm suggesting that you consider making the main character- or maybe the other one female." She says liltingly, and leans in. "Why not? It will be just as good of a love story and you won't risk alienating anybody or jeopardizing your good track record."

Eiri stares at their joint hands, then slides his hand away.

"No." Eiri says.

"Eiri-"

" If you won't publish it like it is, I can find someone else-"

* * *

"Have you been sleeping well ?"

"Not really." Eiri answers curtly. He must look as exhausted as he feels.

He has been writing nonstop. His whole body is sore from sitting in the same position for hours. His eyes sting. He almost missed this appointment.

He grumbles. "I don't understand what I'm doing. "

"What are you doing?"

"I find myself… writing this scene I didn't want to write- where the main character… Shuichi is his name, he gets assaulted to protect his lover from blackmail …"

"That must be difficult."

"Yes." Eiri puts a hand over his eyes. "Why would put himself through that? The relationship between them is ostensibly over at this point … it makes no sense- although… he might not want to be expose himself either….but still…"

"I meant for you personally. "

The author is quiet for a long moment. He removes his hand from his eyes, and leans back in his seat.

"Its not. I usually don't care for my characters. The personal experience is on the onus of the readers. I despise sentimentality and any other unnecessary emotions that corrupt the story. Any emotions that are introduced into my work are aesthetic. "

His psychiatrist asks. "Then what are the characters there for?"

"They are there , so unfortunate things can happen to them."

"Why?"

" Why. Its something the story requires."

"Is it? Or is something you require?"

"Why would I require it." Eiri mutters. He puts a finger on his temple. His head hurts. "Unless I was a sadist. Unless I somehow enjoyed making my characters suffer because it made me feel superior to them. If that were so , I wouldn't deserve to write at all. "

'Why do you write Eiri?"

He is struck quiet again. He has answered the same question time and time again. Once he had replied: I write because I'm fascinated by the human dilemma.

The triteness of that response still haunts him.

"I don't have a choice. I have to write. But if I did choose to, it'd likely be for masochistic reasons." Today Eiri says. " Like any artist of consequence, I should suffer for my art. That's the point, isn't it. "

"The suffering?"

"Yeah."

"Do you feel as if you deserve to suffer Eiri?"

He stares at the floor gripping his knees.

"Why not. Someone should suffer. Why not me."

There is another long silence .

"I'll prescribe you a stronger stabilizer."

* * *

"You seem distracted Eiri." Tohma says calmly.

"I am not." The writer paces and forth, then throws himself down into the sofa . "You've just caught me at a bad time."

"I can see that." Tohma eyes his surroundings disapprovingly.

The place is a mess. Papers, beer cans, God knows what everywhere. How did it get so messy? He doesn't even have this much stuff. There are some socks in the corner from his most recent nighttime visitor.

But what did Tohma expect? Coming unannounced like this.

"Would you like a drink? " Eiri decides he needs to leave this room now. Possibly forever. "I'm getting myself one.

"No thank you."

He goes to the kitchen. Tohma follows him.

While he's getting his scotch, the older man looks in the refrigeration, starts checking inside the cabinets. "Have you been eating?" Tohma says. "Your kitchen is very sparse."

"Been eating out." Eiri mutters. Puts a tumbler on the counter. (No, he's hasn't.)

"And your mail?"

He pours the scotch into it neat. "I've opened the letters from the editor. The rest don't matter."

The author snatches his glass, walks back into his living room, and slumps back down on the sofa again. Tohma follows and sits down on the other side.

"What about the ones from your well-wishers? Your friends?" Tohma asks.

"Heh. My well-wishers. Don't you mean my fans. I never read them. They get send to the publishers where I assume they're shredded" Eiri leers to himself and sullenly tosses scotch down his throat.

" And I don't have friends." He finishes with a burning swallow.

"Am I not your friend Eiri." Tohma says intently.

Eiri doesn't answer. He lights a cigarette.

Tohma uses the silence to pull out a printed manuscript from his shoulder bag.

"So. I've read what you sent me so far… You rarely show me your work until its done."

"It should be done by now but its not. It seems no matter how many times I try and break the characters apart, they get back together again… how is it possible? "Eiri snaps. His cigarette quivers before him. He realizes his fingers are trembling. "They're are refusing to obey me. I've just been trailing after them trying to record whatever the hell it is they do next! At this rate I won't be able to meet my deadline!"

" Eiri." Tohma says concernedly. "Have you been taking your medication?"

"Don't insult me." Eiri snaps. "I don't know why I'm like this." He crushes his cigarette in the ashtray and runs a hand through his dirty hair. There are deepening rings under his eyes. His mouth tastes like death. "I don't like this feeling. Its unnecessary but since you're here, I might as well ask you what do you think of it so far."

"I don't think you care what I think, but I have noticed that writing this story has possibly put you on edge, more than you've been for a while."

"Why would this one be so different than the others ?"

"Perhaps you are more honest in this work. More transparent . That and in it, you're exploring many important issues "

"Its fiction." Eiri sneers and takes out a new cigarette. "By definition, its not honest. Its not meant to explore anything. As for transparency, fiction's aim is not to clarify- if anything, its aim is to confound."

"It's not an admirable habit of yours." Tohma sighs.

"What. The smoking?"

Tohma snatches the unlit cigarette out of his mouth and places it on the table. " No. The sarcasm. Haven't you ever heard the saying that art is a lie that tells the truth?"

"Haven't you ever heard the saying: silence is golden? Really Tohma. I would be insulted, if that wasn't so stupid. Is that is who you think I am? That piece of tripe I've written? Only lousy writers write about themselves and that's not literature. That's narcissism. " Eiri says contemptuously . "Then again, nowadays everyone confuses cheap melodrama for genuine emotion, and exhibitionism for talent, and the inability to see beyond one's immediate fantasies as creativity. Lets be honest. Art is really just a lie selling more lies to delusional idiots."

Tohma clicks his tongue. "You do not really think that. "

" What I think is irrelevant. Its true.

"Your work says otherwise."

"What would you know about my work. Or anyone's? You're just a entertainer Tohma. " Eiri stares. "You're an image, a brand to be consumed , in the business of make-believe. As am I, just of a different kind."

"Believe that if you wish. "Tohma stares back. "But I do in fact know you Eiri."

" Like Hell you do. Give it to me. I won't finish it. In fact I 'll burn it right now if it'll make you shut up. " Eiri growls and raises an outstretched hand towards Tohma. "Give it here."

"No." Tohma clasps the manuscript to his chest.

"It doesn't matter if I tear that hardcopy up. I have a copy saved on my hard drive. I'll delete it later. " Eiri challenges.

"I thought you might try that. That is why I saved it on my hard drive from the email you sent me." The older man says.

"Damnit." Eiri curses. "Maybe I should just quit."

" I don't think you should make any hasty decisions after one conversation. You know that I am proud of you. I am proud of all the progress you have achieved over the last couple years. As for your most recent work I believe its very interesting " Tohma says kindly . "and I look forward to reading the rest of it."

"We'll see ." Eiri mutters.

The older man deftly gestures to the manuscript he's holding.

"All I wonder is … do ever you wish any of it were real ?" Tohma inquires.

"Does it matter."

"It matters to me." Tohma says gently.

Eiri looks out the window but he doesn't see anything.

"No. Of course not."

Tohma nods then says. " Mika has been asking about you ."

"What have you been telling her?"

"I wished to tell her that you have been conscientious and responsible, that we should trust you to yourself… ."

"Ah. But you found you couldn't say it?" Eiri glares. "That's why you're here , isn't it?"

"My relation with you doesn't have to do with my relation with Mika." Tohma says quietly. "I came here because I wanted to see you."

"No, you're here because you think I'm not conscientious, or responsible or to be trusted. I daresay you're right. "

"Do not misunderstand me Eiri- "

"No, its well understood. You always put things very clearly Tohma." Eiri turns away. "Don't you have to be going"

Tohma glances at his watch then stands.

"Yes I 'm afraid so, as it just so happens that I have some appointments this afternoon. I hope you will pardon me, and any disruption I may have caused you. I will come again soon at a time of your convenience. In the meantime, do take care . Send me more of your manuscript if you feel so inclined. "

"No. I won't bother. It was a mistake to send it to you in the first place. "

" Very well. May I suggest one other thing. "

"You will anyways."

"Might you possibly give this story a better ending than your last ones?"

"…."

"How can there be better ending? There isn't such a thing as a happy or sad ending. There's only what happens next."

He doesn't know why he bothered to reply. Tohma has already left.

* * *

He has put in a box. He's paid for it. He might as well look at it.

But he doesn't. He puts it away in his bottom drawer for safekeeping.

Knowing its there makes him feel secure and scared at the same time.

Eiri convinces himself. "Its for research. For the novel."

Later before bed he tells himself again. " Its just for the novel."

* * *

" Have you ever read my books?"

"Eiri? Is that you? Its very late to be calling- is this an emergency?"

"I'm asking you a question. I'm asking you, have you read any of my books?"

"No…' The psychiatrist pauses. "I can't say that I have."

"Good for you. You couldn't catch up at this rate. I have written six novels so far -at the same dead line like the changing of the seasons. Just as predictable too. Infact once you read one, you've read them all. It's the same damn novel over and over again. Haven't they realized it yet? Ha. A author should never show contempt for his audience, right? But I have done nothing else. I have written them all sneering. Yet I have enough recognition that my name -my pseudonym- is now larger than their titles. For that reason I don't much care what the titles are anymore. My editor says they're fine , as long as they're pithy, _catchy, and sellable._ Likewise I have been marketed, like my books that way, as a author of love stories- if you have a dubious definition of love, and romance- if you define romance as plain old fraudulence. But I am marketable, don't you think."

" What do mean Eiri?"

" This can't be news to you. I'm a literary prize nominee. Read : Not winner. I am said to be good at interviews, on television, radio … although they're all pretty terrible. The printed interviews are the worst though .They take pieces of what you say out of context, or invent quotes, reinterpret you into a unbearable caricature of yourself. I have thrown away all the recordings, tapes they send me, and the publications in the garbage after reading them. Why would anyone waste moments of their lives and money to soak that in? They are almost bad as the reviews. Have you seen those?"

"No I'm afraid not. I don't follow the popular press and I'm not familiar with fiction in general. If I do read, its for academic purposes. Anything I know about your writings, I know from what I hear in our sessions."

"I'm not surprised. No one reads the reviews, except the critics who write them and the authors they're written about. My readers certainly don't when they buy my books. I doubt they even read the blurb because I 'm "photogenic". That's why they always put my picture on the inside jacket and on the back too. I think its overkill but the readers like it ." Eiri's voice lowers into his smokier register. "Do you find me attractive ?"

"…You're my patient."

"You didn't answer the question Dr." Eiri says with a deep chuckle. "have you ever thought about it? I have. Not initially. On first impression, I thought you were a pretty unremarkable woman. Mousy, but smart at least. After a while, I thought' not bad.' You'd might even be cute -if you took off those glasses, let your hair down…and I became curious. I would wonder about your sex life as we would discuss mine. I would wonder what was under your coat- I would wonder if you were capable of spontaneity, of a real human reaction. I wondered what you would be like in a more intimate setting -if you'd take the lead as you always do or would let someone else take charge for a change. Would you have allowed me? Could have ever seen me than just more than a patient ? Or would knowing I was your patient make it better for you? Would you been flattered for a chance to sleep with a famous author? Would you've gone to bed with me if I offered? You must of heard of my reputation. Would you have liked to verify it for yourself? "

"Why are you telling me all this? "The psychiatrist is not shocked, offended or upset. In fact, she sounds concerned. "Why are you doing this right now?"

"Why. Why. Everyone keeps asking me that question. Hell should I know. You shouldn't get too excited about it. Its nothing personal. My looks were the source of my misery and ostracism as a child. Ironically they are now touchstone of my fame and prosperity as an adult. It's a pathetic turnabout of power and I don't know what to do with it except abuse it. When I'm not in avoidance of people, I try to seduce them , without knowing why. Men. Women. Even Tohma, whatever the hell he is. But Tohma would never do anything though. He doesn't feel that way about me- and neither do I about him, but I find myself attempting it anyways. Just to see if I can, or because it a mechanical act for me…or maybe to punish him … or punish myself . I don't know. In truth I feel sorry for the guy. I feel anger, resentment -but he feels guilt. That's much worse. I'm a situation that has kept him and Mika trapped for years. "

"We've all been trapped for a long time. And within it all, all the misinterpretation- all the lies, the misunderstandings. Etc. Etc. TThat and my career has been a con game where everyone- including myself, has been cheated. But I have a nice car that I recently totaled in a fugue state, so I can't complain. But this wasn't my purpose in calling you. I called you to tell you the truth. You can disregard the rest. Remember those bad lyrics I showed you? "

"Yes."

"Yes, who could forget . I didn't find them flying around in the park somewhere." Eiri says. "I recently found them in the bottom of a drawer. My drawer."

The psychiatrist waits expectantly.

"I wrote those lyrics myself six years ago. In New York."

"Why did you not say so?"

"Because they were terrible. In fact, they're the worse thing I've ever read. I thought I had rightfully destroyed everything from that time, but apparently not." Eiri says grimly. "I couldn't even admit to myself that I wrote it. If I had- I would have never written again. When you read them, didn't you think that whoever wrote those words had no talent- that he knew nothing? "

"I didn't think that at all."

"You knew it was me all along, didn't you?" Eiri smiles, despite himself. "Nothing gets past you. That's your job though. You're a doctor, you diagnose truth, and get rid of the illness. I'm a writer though. My job is to make up stories and make the illness irresistible . Anyways, I had to own up to it. Before I…"

"Before you what? "

"I'm sorry I couldn't let the damn poem go. It started to remind me of things. Things I couldn't handle remembering. Maybe I'm just weak. I'm sorry for that boy that I was and the people he hurt, the lives he destroyed. He was stupid and reckless - he wrote that love poem for the person he loved most, and he believed in that nonsense- he didn't even understand what he was talking about or what he had set in motion, and what happened to him…I wish I could go back and stop him. Stop all the suffering he created for himself and others. Why did it have to happen? If only I had some insight …. my life has been ruined since. No- it was a mistake from the beginning- everything I've done and everything I am has been one awful mistake. God I'm tired of lying and pretending to myself. I just want this disgusting business to be over with and there's nowhere else left to go to. I just keep seeing it in my mind-I keep seeing things that I can't explain…" Eiri takes a shuddering breath. "I can't be helped…"

"That's not true. I can help you Eiri. There are many others who can help you"

"No, it's a bit late for that speech." He clears his thoat. "Don't worry. I won't forget to send your check- "

" No, please stay on the line. Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking right now."

"I have said all I have to say. It's now time for me to act ."

"Eiri." Her voice is cautious. "Do you ...have a plan? "

"Not a plan. Better. 'He says and thinks of the box in his drawer. "I have a gun."

* * *

He says nothing for the entire ride, until the ambulance slows to its final stop.

He then asks. "What time is it."

"Its 3:12 sir." The EMT says.

Eiri closes his eyes . He lies back, strapped up in the gurney.

3:12 am.

Now he will always know exactly what time it was when he was committed.

* * *

Damnit. He still can't believe his psychiatrist called the cops on him. They arrived so fast, nearly the instant he had said the magic words "gun". After they took away the box with his gun inside it away, they had an ambulance waiting. His psychiatrist must have called even before he brought it to her attention. She's always astute that one.

When did she know? When he hit on her? When he admitted about the lyrics? Damn her.

Secretly he's relieved. He doesn't know what he'd do if he were allowed out.

The staff take away whatever he's got on him- his phone, his cigarettes, keys and car keys, his change, even his wallet. They even make him remove his one earring in his right ear, the piercing he got at 18 which nobody else liked but him. They put it in all in a plastic basket behind the front desk and they say they will give back to him later.

The first 24 hours, they have a caregiver sit with him, just to watch him the whole time. They take shifts. They even have a little partition so someone can be with him in the bathroom and allow him some privacy. Clever.

Later he joins the herd of other patients. The routine everyday is the same. Its written out on a big white board in the entry hall, along with the list of doctors and nurses who are on duty.

Breakfast at six. Then medication.

Then a psychical exam, where he gets his blood pressure, temperature, reflexes, and vitals checked. Apparently his blood pressure is on the lower side.

Then group therapy, in which the patients are separated into small circles of woe and sit around and talk to themselves. A counselor is present. He wonders if they listen. At the beginning of each session, the patients go around the circle and take turns saying one adjective to describe their emotional state.

"Sad." A bearded businessman croaks.

"Confused." A older woman sniffs into a damp tissue.

When its Eiri's turn, he doesn't says anything.

Then lunch.

A private session with a therapist after that.

Then free time or optional games. The long-term patients and the patients with privileges are allowed to go outside in a small courtyard. Eiri does not have those privileges yet.

Then visitation time.

Then another round of group therapy. This time around the circle, they use one adjective to describe how the day has gone so far.

"Productive." A young woman timidly smiles. She's given birth recently and wants to go home.

"Tiring" A skinny man says. He's covered with tattoos and bruises.

Once again Eiri doesn't say anything.

Dinner time. Another vitals check up.

Then medication.

Then sleep.

Over the week, patients come and go. Some are loud and unruly, acting out or violent- the schizophrenics or dementia patients , or ones inflicted with mania or obsessive compulsive disorder. They are removed, isolated, taken into rooms with a abundance of staff and return heavily medicated.

The majority of the patients are depressed - young adults, students, middle aged people, elders, mothers with post partum. They say and do hardly anything and are much more easily managed. They seem to console themselves with the fact that at least they don't have to attempt to act normal around each other

Some people insist it was a mistake that they got here- an off night of drinking, or an argument that got out of hand- and beg to released. Sometimes, they are. Mostly though, they aren't.

Other than the expected unintelligent comments or boorish questions about his eye and hair color from the other patients which Eiri ignores , no one seems to recognize who he is or what he does. If they do, they don't mention it. One supposes that this segment of society doesn't bother to read novels or keep up the literary section of periodicals. So, Eiri thinks, what do you know, my readers aren't crazy after all.

Eiri passes the time. He watches television or does nothing. He starts jig saw puzzles and doesn't finish them. He plays cards silently with himself. He even starts sitting around some of the more lucid patients during meals - or at least lucid enough to complain about the monotony of the routine or about the bedside manner of the doctors or the lack of variety in the menu.

Once or twice, Eiri realizes where he is, what has become his life. He starts crying and can't stop. He realizes he could cry for hours, days. He hasn't cried in six years. His head feels like its splitting open when he cries.

They give him pills to stop it.

Mika, Tohma, even his idiot brother Tatsuha visits him. Father doesn't, but he didn't expect he would. Eiri is glad not to see Father , but he would be glad never to see him again.

The trio come, coifed and ridiculously over-dressed for a hospital visit to their mentally ill relation. They bring him clothes and underwear and books ( none of his books), and other things that he doesn't ask for. They tell him of what they have been doing lately. They don't ask him what happened. They scrutinize him with careful shocked guilty expressions. They don't want it to be their fault. They feel ashamed that they have to come here. Eiri doesn't blame them.

"Are you alright?" They ask him. "How are you feeling?"

What stupid questions.

"You can't sneak a cigarette in here." Eiri reports indifferently.

He knows that they've talked to one of the doctors. They must already know.

It happened yesterday morning. He had managed to charm some smokes off a cafeteria worker and pick pocket matches off a janitor. He had smoked one and half cigarettes in his shower stall , before the alarm sounded and he was caught. Three male nurses came. He did not run or struggle . He let them take his cigarettes and matches away from him.

As per protocol, they informed him that they would have to pat him down and body check him for extra contraband. They would also have check his room.

Eiri behaved. He let them turn his room inside out. He let them pat him down. He did not run or struggle. He had stood there , eyes clenched shut, his hands raised like a criminal.

Then one of the nurses, the tall one with the check board, asked him politely to undress. More specifically take off his shirt, then his trousers.

It was like someone else had done it.

Eiri had flown at the man without thinking or knowing. He didn't know if he punched or kicked, or kneed or elbowed him, but whatever he did, he did it hard enough to knock the nurse to the ground unconscious , bleeding from the nose. Though Eiri was the one doing the hitting, he felt pain. His skull had felt dented in and his heart felt like a knot coming undone.

The other nurses tried to restrain him, and he fought them too. Crazily. Like a frightened animal. They had to call more nurses which he also attacked. He may have been sobbing or crying during it.

When they finally restrained him, he was shouting something over and over, a agonized human heap gnawing into the sterilized linoleum floor. It had hurt so much. They gave him an injection and it was over.

Eiri shakes his head to clear away the memory.

"In other news, I have a whole hall to myself. My neighbor believed he was working for the secret service." Eiri had heard man ranting to himself through the walls of the next room about his various top secret activities. "They took him away last night." Probably to complete his mission.

"Do you think you'll feel well enough to leave soon?" Tatsuha asks.

Eiri knows better than to answer. Instead he says. "The food's not bad here."

At the end of the visit , Tatsuha hugs him. "Get well bro."

He barely manages not to cringe away.

* * *

The next time they request Eiri go to a private room for their visit. There is an ominous feeling to it like a court summons. When he enters, the room looks like a board room, with gray walls, a long conference table and several bolted down chairs.

Tohma and Mika are already waiting for him. They stand side by side like palace guards. Tatsuha is conspicuously absent.

Eiri doesn't bother saying hello. He takes a seat behind the table. He notices Tohma has an manila envelope in his hand.

"We just got the result back for a test." Tohma says portentously.

Mika chews her lip but says nothing.

The writer stares at the envelope. There now. He thinks. Don't leave us in suspense Tohma.

"A test of your hair or more accurately a toxicology report." Tohma continues to hammer in the point . "to see if you would test positive for drug use."

All this trouble on my account? Really? Eiri thinks. Toxicology. To find out how toxic he is. How very advanced. Where did they get the hair? His comb? His shower drain? One of his stalker fans?

Tohma then says " It tested positive."

At this point Eiri stops listening. Of course, he has always done more than drink at the bars or clubs he frequents. How else would he endure the annoying music and those boring people ? He had recently started using in the morning, on and off he day, and while writing- which in hindsight explained some of the more bizarre and disjointed parts of his latest work. The funny part was that nobody seemed to notice the difference.

When he starts listening again he hears Tohma say. "Would you like to take a look for yourself, and confirm if this information is in fact correct?"

"If you don't mind." Eiri says expressionlessly and extends his hand. It's the first thing he's said to them so far.

Tohma gives him the envelope.

He opens it and asks "May I have my reading glasses."

Mika pulls his glasses out of her handbag. She gives them to Tohma who hands them over to him. Eiri cleans his glasses on his shirt, puts them on and reads his test results.

Its correct alright. It is all there- from amphetamines, to opiates cocaine to Quaaludes etc. all the drugs he's ever taken. They are even listed in order of severity and concentration. Seeing it all together, it looks nearly impressive like a checklist of debauchery.

Or just really pathetic. Like a excruciatingly detailed confession of failure.

He sets the paper down..

"Yeah." Eiri says. "That was one hell of a weekend."

"How dare you make light of this." Mika says, face is red as her perfectly applied lipstick.

"What else can I do."

"So it is true then." Tohma says. "You do not deny it."

"I don't see any reason why I should. " Eiri crumples his drug test into a ball and throws it aside. He takes his glasses off and puts them on the table. "Was all this necessary."

"Yes it was."

"Good." Eiri starts gets out of his chair. "I'm glad you got what you needed."

"Where do you think you're going?!" Mika explodes. She steps forward , threatening to push him back down into his seat. "Sit down!

"I assumed we were done."

"We are just getting started- Oh my God Eiri! What is wrong with you?!"

He says. "You should know better than to ask that."

" Do you know how dangerous those drugs are - just by themselves, let alone mixing them with your medication? Don't you know what you were doing to yourself?! Didn't you think once of the consequences? You could have died or you could have been permanently brain damaged - if you aren't already-"

"Yeah. I could have, and I probably am damaged- not enough to tolerate this nauseating anti-drug lecture. I did know the consequences, but I went ahead with anyways. So how dare you . How dare you subject me to this bullshit inquisition. You violated my privacy and tested me- an adult man- without my consent. Not only am I certain that what you've done is unethical, what you've done is degrading. Its degrading to you two, and its far more degrading to me than anything I've ever done to myself."

" What else were we supposed to do? Just sit back and watch you destroy yourself?" Mika cries.

"That would have suited me." Eiri states. "Whatever little trust there was between us is gone. I'll won't forgive you after this."

" I'm sorry it came to this. Nobody wanted to violate your privacy but you left us no choice! You forced our hand. You weren't talking to us, and you're weren't capable of making safe and healthy decisions. We did for your own good, so we could take the appropriate steps to protect you!" Mika shouts.

"If I really want to do something, I'll find a way. Its time you've accepted that you can't protect me. Not from myself." Eiri says. "But I suppose why would you both stop trying now? You've done an stellar job in the past."

Mika flinches. Tohma's fists clench by his sides.

"It is because of the past that we'll never stop trying. " Tohma then asserts. "We're know how difficult these last couple of years have been. We suffer as well.

"You have no idea what its been like for me, thanks a million for the suffering- but I think I've had enough suffering for a change- both yours and mine." Eiri says ." I can manage fine on my own."

"No you can't." Mika is nearly in tears." Look at where you were Eiri. You were contemplating suicide."

"Contemplating. Too bad. I would have been better off if I had just done it. We would all be better off. " Eiri stares at them both coldly. "At least, I've learned something valuable. When you say you're going to do something, make sure to follow through. "

Mika gasps and takes a step back. Tears start to pour down her shocked face.

Good Eiri thinks.

"Enough Eiri. We understand what you're saying right now isn't reality. It is your illness talking- but I can't abide this kind of speech "Tohma says stoically. "its upsetting Mika."

"Shut the fuck up Tohma." Eiri snaps. "Don't pretend not to know what I'm capable of - You're just lucky I don't have a gun on me right now. I'd use it this time- and maybe not only on myself either! And I'll talk to her however the hell I want. She's my goddamn sister."

" She is also _my_ wife."

"Yeah some marriage you have. The picture perfect couple. What a joke. You both make me sick to my stomach."

"Just stop both of you. " She wipes away her tears with the back of her hand. "This isn't Eiri's fault and this isn't about defending our relationship Tohma - its about-

"Its about nothing. So lets all stop this indulgent carrying on. Unless, there will be anything else today." Eiri growls. " Or is that all you got? Will there be any surprise polygraph tests? Have you had people following me? And if so, for how long? Will you pull out incriminating photographs? God I hope so. I could use them for my next novel's cover. As long as we're getting it all out there, I'd like to state to you both now that I'm also interested in men sexually . That shouldn't surprise either of you, but incase you needed any clarification : it has nothing to do with my afflictions or my drug use, so don't hope it goes away with them. I like to fuck men. Plain and simple. "

Tohma swallows. " This is not the time or place to make such announcements."

"That's exactly why it needs to be said." Eiri smiles sickly. "I have another announcement to make. I've made a decision. I am going to check out of the hospital today and after you congratulate me for my quick recovery, I will leave Japan and I won't come back. Don't bother contacting me again after this."

Tohma says. "You're not ready to go anywhere, let alone New York."

Eiri glares. "Who said anything about New York?"

"You didn't need to say it Eiri…." Tohma says sternly. "We cannot permit harm to come to you again. We have already took measures to ensure that we can restrict your movement if necessary."

"What the fuck does that mean.

"It means we can't allow you to jeopardize yourself anymore than you already have." Mika says. "I am sorry but we should have done this a long time ago."

"Don't. " Eiri hisses, fists trembling. " Don't apologize while you do... this to me. Don't use that goddamn tone with me. I'm not a little boy you can boss around. I know better. You have no grounds to keep me here or anywhere. That and I don't buy this sorrowful but firm act. If anything, I'm sure you're enjoying this putrid scene."

Tohma actually looks shocked for once , hand on his chest, eyes enormous and everything. "How could you possibly think that?"

"How could we enjoy playing along with your delusions?" Mika cajoles.

"Oh knock it off. You two are eating this up. You never could resist the chance to play the savior and martyr both." Eiri sneers. "You're like a tableau of a medieval painting- the nice successful couple saddled with the drug addled sexually confused degenerate. As for delusions, I'm the least deluded person in this room."

"I wish that were true." Mika interjects.

"Mika- now maybe is not the time-" Tohma hushes.

"No Tohma. It was the time a long time ago." She clutches Tohma's shoulder. "We should have ended it immediately-"

"Ended what?!"

Mika says." We thought it was just a harmless fantasy- a coping mechanism that allowed you to deal with everything that happened in New York. We figured we could manage the situation, rectify it little by little, without traumatizing you any further. You seemed to be improving too- as it gave you an outlet and adhered you to some form of structure. But clearly, this all has become pathological. "

Eiri snarls. "What are you babbling about?!"

"This illusion you that you have about being this… this writer- this famous novelist has to stop!"

"But I am a writer !" Eiri shouts. "I am a famous novelist!"

"Yes. You may be a writer of sorts - but your "books" are never published!" Mika exclaims. " Did you really think that you with all your various issues that you could manage the stress of such a high pressure job, along with being in public eye?"

"I did manage!" Eiri knows how ridiculous it sounds, given where they are." As long as people stayed away!"

"And haven't you ever wondered why you don't see your books in the book stores?"

"How the hell should I know. I don't bother to go the stores to check for stupid things like that!" Eiri hisses. "Maybe they're not being carried anymore- there's not much demand for what I offer-"

"Because they aren't published" Mika croaks. " because they're aren't books."

"You have copies- Tohma -you have what I send you-"

Tohma grimaces. He looks down, and pinches the bridge of his nose like he's in physical pain. Mika puts a hand on his arm, as if to comfort him.

"Yes." Mika says, softer now. " From what you send Tohma- your writings are… I don't even know what they are. They're full of pain and violence and death. They're sad, frightening and nearly incoherent, the ramblings of a unwell person. And the pen name you put on them- its awful- why would you do that to yourself? "

"Its… just not possible. I have an editor- and I have press- the fans-" Eiri shakes his head back and forth. "I've made money-"

"Your editor! We thought you were speaking analogously ! Your editor is just some poor woman you met , probably at some bar, who feels sorry for you and is half in love with you and clearly she's played along with your delusions for her own benefit." Mika adds.

"As for money, you subsisted on our financial support for years. We wire money every month into your account. Your so-called writer's allotment. As for all the press and the fans, that's a more recent fabrication of yours. This untruth has escalated over time and gradually gotten more extreme and grandiose- the last few weeks particularly. Firstly you started telling people you're a writer, then a published writer, then a renowned one and now I've even heard you've been telling people you're up for some literary award- people don't know what to think. It's been profoundly distressing , not to mention mortifying to witness- "

"No! This is ridiculous! None of that is true! Are you out of your minds?! " Eiri cries. "I have proof! Evidence! I don't keep the copies of the press and the fan mail- because its not important to me- but call my publishing house or my publicist they should have my press kit- or call the newspapers- anybody-and they'll show you! I have all their numbers on my phone. I have records of emails back and forth- letters and documents"

"If that would so, I would know of them Eiri. " Tohma says quietly. "There's nobody to call. Your phone has no numbers on it, and I cannot find such documents at your home. I could have your computer checked, but I doubt we would find anything else either."

"Then there's been a mistake!" Eiri says frantically. " Call my shrink! She can vouch for me-'

Eiri freezes.

"Oh shit. " He falls back in his seat, aghast. "No- she doesn't follow the popular press- or know about my books… she only knows about my writing from what I tell her my sessions and I just talked about the private aspect of it -"

He didn't tell her about the extend of his fame and career, his fans, his interviews until the very last phone call, and he remembers admitting to being generally dishonest, lying about the story of the lyrics. What she assume afterward? Is that why she called the police so quickly-

Its as if Mika reads his thoughts. "Eiri please. Even in the police call and report that brought you here is full of inconsistencies. You said there was a gun in a box that you intended to… harm yourself with, that you handed over to the police? The box you gave them was _empty- _stuffed with torn up paper of your writing Eiri. Afterwards, the authorities checked your whole apartment just to make sure you didn't put this gun someplace else. They couldn't find it anywhere."

"So what." Eiri shoots back. "I could have hid it in a place that no one could find it-except myself."

"Then tell us where it is." Tohma says.

" No. You don't deserve to know!"

"Then the only other explanation why they can't find it, is because you never had a gun in the first place! Why did you lie about that too?" Mika moans.

"Why do you care?! Whether I had a gun or not, I would have found a way-"

"Eiri stop it! This just can't go on!" Mika shouts. "Its best you acknowledge it now, here in a safe environment, between the three of us. You've been lying about everything! All this time! Maybe with so much intensity and conviction, that you've even starting to believe it yourself-"

Eiri suddenly stands up, palms flat on the table.

Tohma and Mika watch him carefully.

Eiri hunches over and starts to laugh. Hysterically. He laughs harder than he can remember, but he can't remember when he'd laughed hard.

When he's out of breath, Eiri says with a horrified grin: My God. Wow. You must think you can make me accept anything. But you're fucking wrong about that. But then again, I am at a mental institution. I've played right into your hands, haven't I? Bravo. I bet it was you even planted those lyrics in my drawer."

Mika gapes. "What are you talking about? What lyrics?"

"You don't have to pretend. I know. You could have saved that poem and waited for the opportune time. You could do it Tohma and everything else. You own the world, don't you? You have my keys. You come in all the time. You knew what would happen when I saw them- how I would react. And here, the staff here took my phone away, you could have wiped it clean, and you could have done the same with my electronic records too and gotten rid of my papers too. With your connections, you could pull my books from the shelves- destroy my press, cut me off from my contacts, discredit my editor, suppress my fans and make it seem like it all never happened- I know you could- "

"Eiri. Why would I ever do such a thing?" Tohma looks devastated. "And even with all my influence, no, I couldn't do that."

Mika is pale. "Do you realize how paranoid… and insane all that sounds? How seriously unbalanced you are? You need help."

Eiri puts his head in his hands.

"You want to know something else. I remember everything. I remember now what he did- though I didn't want to remember. That's why writing that assault scene - was so difficult for me. The incidence with the cigarettes here reminded me. When the nurses held me down- I was shouting a name. …" Eiri grits . " His name. Yuki Kitazawa."

Eiri raises his head. Tohma and Mika stand there as if they're targets in a firing range. Mika has a hand over her mouth.

" As you know, he was not much of a teacher - but he did teach me one terrible lesson. If you can call it that. Once I learned it, I could never forget it and after it, it was as if I killed who I was before, along with him. What he taught me that you can't necessarily trust people who claim to love you or claim to know you what's best for you. You can't even trust your own feelings of love… whatever you think it means…"

Tohma says. "You can trust us. We love you more than anything in this world Eiri."

'So did he. Or so he claimed. And like him you betrayed me. Yuki may have taken my innocence , but you intend to take away whatever's left. You've lied to me, pretended that you love me, when this hasn't been about love or anything like it , its about your enormous egotism, and need to control and your sense of guilt and duty- You've done it ever since New York. You've tried to crawl all over everything of mine and saturate it with yourselves and your fears, desires and anxieties or whatever else you wanted. You're both controlling maniacs who see me as only as only an object to order and organize, who can't stand that I won't do what you say, so you rather see me humiliated. You say I'm ill, but you're really the sick ones. You don't want me to get better. You feed off my helplessness, and instead of letting it come between your marriage like its should, it's become the justification for it. It better suits you for me to be incapable, forever the victim, and cowed by the secrets in my past because that way the bond- the pact between us three can never be broken- you'd rather play your games with me, manipulate me- exploit my weaknesses- allow me no secrets, or autonomy or dignity- just as long as I remain a growth on you. And I cooperated with it because- I thought I needed you. I thought that was love was because I knew no differently. For all this, I've never been myself or lived my own life at all. So why can't I have some control for once? Why can't something be true if I want it to be? Why can't I just FOR a moment have something for myself?!"

Eiri slams a fist on the table. The crack jolts through him like a gunshot. He sees Mika balk from the corner of his eye. He is shivering, sweating profusely, knees near buckling. He feels so hideous, enraged and sick with fear he doesn't know what to do with himself.

"Maybe I did _lie." _His voice is strangled, unrecognizable, cracking when he finally can find words. "I don't know. You seem so convinced that I'm a liar- it doesn't matter whether I confirm or deny it. But if I did lie, I didn't owe it to anyone to be honest, and the contempt in the act was mutual, both in my lying and your compliance in it- I may have started lying, but you put me in a position where I couldn't stop- You didn't require the truth of me. And I started to need it more and more- as I started to remember, I needed the distraction from the pain, from the effort of actually repenting-I needed to escape, and to damage myself and you by doing it. It may have been false and foul, and self-destructive, but it was what I had. And now you decide to confront me with this? You want my life as a fraud to be over when you know I'm incapable of any other kind of life? Do I have to choose between you or me? Your lies or mine? What do you want? To back me into a corner- until I have to destroy you too? Or do I have destroy myself to get away- "

Eiri grabs his stomach- it feels like something is trying to claw its way out.

"So that's it! You all win! I'm done !" Eiri trembles and groans."Are you happy? It doesn't matter to me whether its true or not anymore. Either way there's nothing left for me- So why don't you all let me go- why don't you just let me die and rot - its what I want -"

But he can't continue. Eiri sinks into himself, like a piece of paper burning. He can't breathe. His stomach heaves. He coughs uncontrollably. Something is coming up his throat and it tastes warm and horrible.

Its blood. Blood in his mouth. Its happening. It is like dying. Is he? What will happen? _I hope his soul to heaven has gone._ What is his soul?And where is it going?

"Oh my god." He hears Mika say.

It sounds mercifully distant.

"Call a nurse Mika." Tohma says.

Mika runs out to get the nurse. Tohma is grabbing Eiri's shoulders, holding him up. Then his cool hands reach to clasp Eiri around his face, pulling him to stand.

His blood is getting all over Tohma in the process.

They meet eye to eye.

Eiri 's face is crumpled, furious, ashamed, terrified, desperate for breath.

Tohma's expression is beatific.

Seeing that makes something collapse inside him. Eiri's vision wavers and he stumbles forward into Tohma's chest like he's been pushed.

Tohma catches and embraces him. "Shhhhhh." Tohma says soothingly. He holds him tightly. "Shhhhhhhh."

"No-" Eiri manages to choke, bleeding into Tohma's shoulder. "no please-"

Then the coup de grace.

"You will leave as soon as you are well enough to leave, but that will not be your decision ." Tohma whispers into Eiri's ear. "After your recent behavior, we've had more than enough evidence to have a court declare you mentally incompetent, and give us jurisdiction over you and your property. We have now become your legal guardians . "

* * *

Weeks or months pass, and his condition gradually improves.

On his day of his release, Mika and Tohma take him to their country home in Kyoto. Eiri is too tired, too shell-shocked to argue. The new medication leaves him dazed, exhausted, unable to fight for himself.

Mika tells him that they have managed to keep his convalescence a secret, that she told everyone that's he's been out of town. Not that he cares.

Every day, one of them or a chaperone will drive Eiri to his private therapy, and then to an out patient program and then a alcohol and drug rehabilitation meeting, then lastly to a cognitive behavior session. That will occupy most of his waking hours.

He doesn't know when he will have time to to do anything else.

They give him a tour of the house though he already knows his way around. They show him his room- one of their guest bedrooms. They have everything prepared for him. They brought the rest of his clothes and some of his furniture. They brought one of his paintings and hung it on his wall, the geometrical abstract one that looks like it should be in a waiting room. They even put flowers in his room- as a precaution, in a plastic vase in an cheerful arrangement. They have his pills in a small cloisonné box on the bedside table and a pitcher of water.

After the abbreviated tour, Eiri excuses himself to use the bathroom. He does not need to use it. He takes it as an opportunity to stare into the mirror at himself for a few minutes.

He knows Tohma and Mika are whispering loudly, urgently whenever he's leaves the room. He doesn't bother checking the medicine cabinet or under the sink. He knows they have removed all the sharp knives, plastic bags, pills, the toxic cleaner chemicals in the house.

His gun must be long gone-Will he ever need it again? Maybe. If so, will he be able to get it back? Unless they found it first. If he ever had it...

Eiri knows abstractly when he is stronger he might be angry about this treatment, but for the moment he doesn't care. At least he's got his earring back.

When he comes back out, he catches a glimpse of his sister and brother-in-law around the corner . They are holding each other's hands so tightly their knuckles are white.

"Oh.' Mika blinks, once she knows they have been spotted. She smiles at him.

She looks like their mother when she smiles.

"Are you hungry Eiri? We have some of your favorite dishes prepared"

She's still holding to Tohma's hand.

"No." He says. " I'm going to lie down,"

He turns to go. He hears Mika whisper. "I'll go with him."

Mika walks him to his bedroom door.

"Thank you." He says. Hollowly. He can't bring himself to turn around and face her as he says it.

"There's nothing to thank me for." She says softly behind him. "Call me if you need anything."

She doesn't follow him in.

He lays on the bed on his stomach, and closes his eyes.

He hears a sound. He turns his head to see to Tohma sitting neatly on his bed .

"I need my rest Tohma ." He says.

" It was my fault." Tohma ignores that statement, "I should have allowed you to erase that story when you wanted to. I thought letting you write it might be therapeutic. Clearly I was wrong. I am sorry."

The are quiet for a moment.

"Don't be. This had to happen sometime.' Eiri says emotionlessly. "I'm sorry I said those things to you. I would never hurt you or Mika."

"I know."

"Will I have a laptop while I'm here." He doesn't ask for his old one. He knows what the answer will be.

Tohma sighs. "Please don't worry about that."

Eiri says. "Will you turn out the light."

Tohma does. He then pulls the blanket up over Eiri and runs his hand through Eiri's hair like he's a little boy again.

Eiri's hair has gotten longer. Its almost to his shoulders now.

"I lied to you, you know. "His voice is barely audible but sound travels more in the dark.

Tohma does not ask what about.

" I do wish it were real. I wish Shuichi Shindou was real."

Tohma says. "He is real to you , isn't he."

"Yes. More real to me than some of the people I see walking down the street. I wish that the life I created for him was real. His friends, his co-workers, his creativity, his idols, his dreams…. All of it."

"The reason I called my shrink that night is because I kept seeing his face in my mind. I kept trying to get rid of him, but he wouldn't let me go. I could hear Shuichi's voice saying that he would come after me no matter what, that he would die without me, which is true. Technically. Without me, he wouldn't exist. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't erase him along with me… He was innocent. That and he told me he loved me. Even after all I put him through."

For a moment Tohma's hand stops stroking his hair.

"I haven't lost my grip on reality. I know Shuichi Shindou doesn't exist. He's nothing but a character I invented for the purposes of a story , a figment of my imagination, "

Tohma thinks for a moment, then says. "It doesn't matter, if you care for him."

"Besides, no one could ever possibly love me that much, and for no good reason. "

"You are mistaken about that."

"I better be right. I can't stand him most the time . He's so annoying even just in my thoughts -imagine if the damned brat were real?" Eiri murmurs." He wouldn't ever leave me alone. He didn't leave me alone, even when I wanted it the most. Shuichi kept me alive that night. He's still keeping me alive right now. What does that mean ?"

Tohma says. "You truly are a romance writer after all Eiri."

"Maybe that was inevitable. Although I didn't choose him at first, Shuichi belongs to me. Or rather, I belong to him. I've accepted it. Now that I have, I don't know if I want to share him with anybody, but at least I know he's there… Maybe the thought of that alone will be enough to sustain me … for a while …"

"Shared or unshared. It does not negate your Shuichi. You will know when you will be ready. Then it will be time to begin the story again, and share him with the rest of us , if you so choose. And maybe someday, you'll be ready to find your own real Mr. Shindo." Tohma rest a hand on the back of his neck for a moment." Sleep well Eiri."

When Tohma leaves, Eiri closes his eyes.

The beginning of a smile appears on his face.

He falls asleep.

* * *

The next morning, Eiri see a new laptop on his desk waiting for him.

He gets up and starts to write.

* * *

The end. Or whatever happens next.


	2. Believability

This is an optional adjunct/ or sequel to Transparency, which was originally a one shot. So you if you prefer to read it that way, or liked the ending of the last story as it is, do please stop there if you are so inclined…Likewise, it deals with the same issue Transparency does, including suicidal thoughts, mental illness, so trigger warning still applies.

The story starts from the end after where Eiri is declared mentally unfit and taken to Mika and Tohma's country residence in Kyoto.

I wanted also to thank bakayaro onna for their very kind, thoughtful and flattering review. Thank you so much, it meant a lot to me that you enjoyed my story - and thank you for the suggestion for the grammar beta. I know grammar has never been my strong suit! Also thank you for bringing gurabiteshiyon to my attention, as I was unaware of it before! I have been finding a lot of good stories on there!

* * *

Believability (Pt. 1)

Eiri can only manage one word answers on most days.

* * *

"I heard today's session was quite difficult for you." Tohma says. "Do you wish to talk about it?"

"No." Eiri says.

Eiri wishes everyone would stop trying to talk to him about things he doesn't want to talk about, or can't talk about.

It only makes him want to be completely silent altogether.

* * *

"Is your new medication alright?"

"…"

It is popularly believed that when people take medication for an mental illness that they suddenly become a new person or that they stop feeling everything all together except for a dazed medicated happiness ,( which is why some people claim to eschew psychiatric medicine with a expression of superiority on their faces.)

Eiri wishes it were that way.

Instead, the change is excruciatingly slow. Barely perceptible. Like a dimmer switch gradually getting brighter and brighter. Or the over- used metaphor of the frog in a pot that gradually boils itself.

Eiri feels… not good. Never good. But adequate. A little dazed, and distant some times, but other times more sharply defined. Somewhat more human. He can handle the petty irritations that existing entails, without feeling completely assailed by them.

Eiri becomes more invested in things, like in the conversations going on around him, in cleaning his room. He even becomes vaguely interested in what goes on beyond the house and his appointments. He watches the news with Mika.

However as Eiri's body grows more used to his treatments, the medicine just barely staves back the condition.

Eiri is not clinically "ill" anymore, but he is not healthy ether. His illness -although not actively afflicting him, it is still frustratingly ever present, buzzing around the periphery of his consciousness. It waits in the undercurrents behind what now masks as relatively minor "discomforts'. It threatens to encroach upon his tenuous stability and then seeks to overtake him entirely.

So Mika and Tohma and his coterie of professional handlers try and help him outrun it. They up Eiri's medication and give him more therapy and encouragement.

The illness (which is really himself) invariably gains up on him. So in response, they all give him even more medication, more therapy, and even more encouragement.

This continues on and on, until Eiri is too tired. He can't run anymore. Until everyone else has to practically drag his exhausted hollow-eyed form around for him.

On the worse days, Tohma or the handlers literally do have to drag Eiri out of bed to take him to his appointments.

There is seemingly no end to this in sight.

Eiri wonders will this be it? Will he spend the rest of his life trying to be just one step ahead of his illness, the perpetual prey of whatever is wrong is him?

* * *

"Do you need your sleeping pill for tonight?" Mika says.

"Yes."

Eiri needs his sleep.

When he was a child, Eiri would cry sometimes before bed , sometimes because he was bullied and he didn't want to tell anybody that. Sometimes he'd cry because he was lonely. Sometimes he didn't even know why.

His mother would tuck him in, she would say to him "Don't cry Eiri. Close your eyes. Try and think of happy thoughts." And he would try.

He feels like a child again, determined to lose himself in sleep.

But Eiri cannot sleep. (He used to drink before which let him sleep easier) . Without some kind of sleep aid, Eiri stays awake, unable to sleep and tosses in his bed like he's wrestling something palpable. When he does fall asleep, he wakes up every three hours, sweaty, dazed, uncomfortable. Often he doesn't know if its day or night when he wakes.

He needs to sleep.

Eiri gets so exhausted at times that his heart hurts to beat and he gets wrenching chest pangs.

He think he might die in those moments.

One of his therapists states that Eiri is afraid to sleep because of the vulnerability sleep represents ( subconsciously, the therapist says, that Eiri associates sleep with death, but isn't that true for everyone?) and tries to give him some new coping exercises and mediation recordings to conquer these fears.

Another therapists says Eiri can't get to sleep because he experiences too high anxiety through his waking hours and therefore cannot relax even at night when it is necessary. She prescribes him an higher dose of his anti-anxiety medicine.

Another therapist, the more holistic one, claims it's the over-prescription of medications is what is causing this insomnia in the first place. He states the reason Eiri can't sleep is because he doesn't get enough exercise, and enough sunlight during the day. That and because he uses his laptop at night, the glare of the screen on his eyes confuses his biochemical sleep cycle. This therapist suggests Eiri takes walks, stand outside in sunlight fifteen minutes a day and turn his lap top by nine . Like hell he will do any of those things.

One thing certain with doctors , Eiri thinks, is that they never agree.

* * *

"Are you hungry?"

"No," Eiri says.

Eiri doesn't want to eat but occasionally he has to. He wants his cigarettes , but they don't allow it.

No one in the house is a smoker but him.

* * *

"Are you thirsty?"

"Yes." Eiri says.

They give him water.

Having no other option of beverage, he drinks it.

How long has he been sober? This is the period longest since he reached adulthood or manhood, if Eiri can truly claim he's an adult man , living the way he does now.

Eiri misses it. Drug and drink wasn't even a pleasure to him. It was something like sleep.

It gave him an intermittency from pain.

* * *

"Are you sad."

"No." Eiri says.

People who have not experienced it do not understand.

They take for granted the ability to form relationships, or their ability to feel comfortable in being physically touched. They trust in their sense of self preservation which is the continued wish to continue living.

Eiri struggles with these things moment to moment.

It is not sadness, because sadness is transient and is somewhat explicable. Sad seems too finite, too blunt a word.

Eiri doesn't know what he feels anymore. He doesn't care.

* * *

"Are you tired?"

"Yes." Eiri says.

He's too tired to write. That's why he wants to sleep.

Leave me alone. he thinks. I'm tired now. Let me rest.

* * *

His days are like a binary code.

Eiri thinks this as he sits in front of his lap top.

Like 01010101. Or him answering 'Yes, Yes, No, Yes, No' to everyone else's instructions, concerns, and pre-determined inquiries.

That's not a very creative metaphor. It has probably been expressed by some other writer- Eiri thinks irritably, and chastises himself

Still. His accept/reject responses does not govern the mechanized program assembled by those around him,. His answers provide just slight variations into the input. Eiri is integral to it, though he has about much volition, and autonomy as the zeros and the ones do.

Ultimately the outcome is lifeless but endlessly repetitious. Predictable. Very much contained.

For a romance writer, the situation is very unpleasant and intolerable. Eiri does not understand computer code, but what he grasps of it there is no allowances like there are in literature, like those of poetic license, of spontaneity, or for a sense of progression- a denouement, or even for irony.

Of course, Eiri was not much of a romantic to begin with.

He was never much of a writer either.

* * *

Eiri knows that this life is most likely for the best .

Mika and Tohma have told him so. Not so much in words, but in their long suffering patient faces. Their faces tell him he is ill. That he cannot function on his own. Its not within his capacity. Others have to be protected from him. He has to be protected from himself.

Eiri now understands (with an grim and uneasy humility), that he is one of those people who -if not for the luck of having a family willing and able to care for him- he would have ended up on the street or dead somewhere.

He would have been dead long ago, if not for one thing: Shuichi Shindo.

Eiri has never had any particular moral qualms with suicide. If a person has the right to live and the right to live how they choose, shouldn't they have the right to die ,and the right to choose when and how also?

But when Eiri thinks of Shuichi, he can't allow himself to consider this a possibility. The right to put an end to himself must be put in abeyance or completely withdrawn, for to exercise it would mean having to put an end to Shuichi too.

Eiri doesn't want to kill anyone else he loves again.

So to keep them both alive, Eiri persists in this.

Nevertheless, Eiri doesn't know how much longer it can last.

* * *

"I need a hair cut." Eiri tells Tohma as they say goodnight.

Eiri's hair has grown fully down to his shoulders. He wonders why Tohma has not suggested it before he did. Maybe Tohma prefers him with longer hair.

"Very well." Tohma sits on Eiri's bed, his top-hat seated smartly on his lap. "If you wish for a hair cut, I shall have a barber sent to the house tomorrow."

A long moment of silence.

"No Tohma." Eiri says, bleary eyed. " I need to get out of this house. Not just to a another therapy meeting."

Tohma looks down at him.

Eiri only stares back up at him unhappily.

The older man places a hand tenderly on Eiri's cheek.

"Then I shall have you sent to the barber Eiri, but I must send someone to accompany with you." Tohma says gently.

"Just someone?" Eiri mutters. "I rather you come with me."

Tohma removes his hand from Eiri's cheek. He looks surprised.

He says. "Alright."

* * *

Tohma and he go to the barber together once every month from then on, whenever Tohma's back from traveling back and forth from their Kyoto country house to his business in Tokyo and other places.

* * *

Eiri keeps discovering these idiotic society magazines that Mika lays around the house. He wonders what Mika must find so interesting about them.

Finally one afternoon, he decides to see for himself.

He flips through about three magazines, until he sees a photo of a young woman in a pastel kimono in one of them. She has long thick shining hair, and a healthy complexion, an pinkish and pleasant smile.

Eiri stares down at her.

When he glances up, Mika is hovering over his shoulder.

"What are you looking at Eiri?" Her voice crowds his ear unbearably hot, and loud.

Eiri tries not to bristle with shock and annoyance. "Nothing that concerns you."

Nevertheless, Mika does not move away.

Together, brother and sister examine the pertinent picture.

"So." Eiri states the obvious as he reads the photo's caption underneath. "That's Ayaka."

"Yes it is." Mika confirms. "Do you remember her? She's all grown up now."

Eiri continues to stare at the photo. No, he doesn't. He has barely any memory of Ayaka at all. They met several times when they were children.

"She's pretty too, don't you think?" Mika adds.

Eiri says nothing. He closes the magazine.

* * *

"Where are you, you damned brat. "Eiri's whisper is barely audible.

Eiri types, and watches his words appear on the laptop's screen. " _I'm right here Yuki ! You know that! I know you get scared and lonely easily but don't worry. I won't EVER leave you."_

"And why is that?" Eiri swallows.

"_Why?! Why- because I love you Yuki! I love you no matter who you are and what you do, and what's happened in your past."_

" Then you're a moron. " Eiri whispers back.

He types. "_Don't tease me! You may act like all hard and like a jerk, but you don't fool me. Deep down you're really sweet aren't you? Just take it day by day and do your best. That will always good enough for me!" _

"I'm trying but I don't think I can stay here much longer." Eiri swallows. "I don't want to lose you but… I'm sorry."

The words appear on the screen.

" _Then you have to come find me again Yuki. Or I'll come find you!"_

"How?" Eiri croaks. He shakes his head. "How will that happen? You don't exist Shuichi."

On the screen: _" I do. I promise. I do exist. Believe in me. I exist as long as you will. But you have to hold on. You must do so for the both of us. And you must believe- and never forget how much I love you. I love you so much Eiri- so much, and I'm waiting- please come find me-"_

The door to Eiri's room opens.

Eiri slams his laptop shut.

"What." The writer snaps over his shoulder. He's red faced, and his hands are shaking.

"Um." Mika utters in the doorway, "I just wanted to tell you… that dinner is ready."

Eiri gets up and rushes past her without a word.

* * *

He tells Tohma as they say goodnight. "I would like to have some new clothes."

"Why is that Eiri?" Tohma says , puzzled, as he pulls the blanket up and over Eiri. " Don't you like the clothes you have?"

Eiri doesn't answer.

* * *

The next morning Tohma takes him to his personal tailor.

Or rather, the tailor Tohma goes to when he is here. He has multiple ones, a tailor at each place he frequents.

Tohma's tailor has not so much of a shop, but a veritable warehouse of materials and a daunting compendium of samples that might intimidate the most experienced and well-informed buyer.

But not Tohma. Tohma effortlessly scans the vast selection, then decisively picks out the fabrics, cuts and colors. He picks swiftly and he picks well. The older man speaks elegantly and authoritatively, making deft and meticulous gestures with his hands to indicates what he wants for Eiri.

Meanwhile, Eiri sits next to him in silence.

They order seven new dress shirts with his initials E.U embroidered on the cuffs. Most of the colors Eiri are those he would have chosen himself. Tohma chooses the shirts: one white, one crimson, one light blue, one dark blue, one black, one slate grey, one dark forest green.

Tohma then has Eiri measured for several formal suits in a mid-weight materials, in black, grey and navy . For what reason, is unclear, as Eiri has no need for one.

The tailor (often by Tohma's silent instruction or the flicks of his fingers that indicate to the tailor that he should 'take it in more' or ' more than that') measures Eiri's new clothes much tighter and more fitted than Eiri is used to wearing.

Eiri has always gone for a much more easy relaxed look.

However that is not Tohma's style. Tohma's clothes are always perfect, exactly starched and impeccably fitted to his form.

Clearly, Eiri thinks, Tohma has never cared much for the way he's dressed all this time. What a way for him to find that out.

Then they go to some designer shops. They buy some shoes, a classic men's shoe with laces the same color as the leather. They buy the same pair in three different colors: black, a charcoal brown and navy blue to match the suits. They buy socks.

Tohma buys Eiri several V-necked cashmere pull-overs in the same colors as the shirts. Then scarves ( mostly plain ones, but also a Burberry scarf with the iconic plaid pattern). He buys Eiri gloves that resemble his own. Then Tohma buys Eiri a long obscenely expensive Loro Piana coat .

Lastly, Tohma buys him 18k white gold cuff-links.

Eiri doesn't say much during all this. Tohma does most of the talking, and ordering. He does all of the paying.

They go home, with all their bags in the backseat.

As Tohma drives, Eiri notices that Tohma is smiling.

* * *

During dinner with Tatsuha, Tohma and Mika, the three of them chat busily amongst themselves about trivial matters.

As usual Eiri says nothing. They don't expect him to say anything.

That is why they are making such an effort to talk to each other. In doing so, they can ignore the uncomfortable fact that Eiri is there but might as well not be there.

Tonight he's wearing his new forest green shirt.

During a break in the conversation Eiri manages to utter. "Is ….Ayaka still interested in meeting me?"

"Excuse me?" Mika cocks her head. "What did you say Eiri?

"I'm saying I'd like to meet Ayaka again." Eiri stares at his mostly full plate. "If she's still interested."

Tohma scrutinizes him. "Why Eiri?"

"For no particular reason. I'd like to spent time with her and take her out if she's willing." Eiri struggles to looks them all in the eye. He suddenly feels like he's facing something formidably well-organized. "Lunch or shopping. Whatever she wants."

" You would? Really? " Mika looks taken aback.

"Yes." Eiri says.

Tohma and Mika eye each other confusedly.

"Well that's great Eiri!" Tatsuha blurts and in doing so, catapults himself unwontedly into the discussion .

Mika and Tohma simultaneously look at Tatsuha, their expressions comically incredulous.

"I mean- I think its just great that Eiri wants to go out on a date with Ayaka!' Tatsuha exclaims . He claps Eiri hard on the back. This makes Eiri sits up in his seat, eyes wide and affronted.

"So why not?" Tatsuha goes on, ignoring the reaction he's caused everyone in the room. "Ayaka is really pretty, sweet and nice, so why not let them go out? Besides it'll be better for him to talk to some cute girls for a change and not to be always cooped up in the house with you guys!" He winks at Eiri. "Right bro?"

In response, Eiri gives him Tatsuha deathly stare.

Well." Mika grimaces and looks at Tohma. "What … do you think Tohma." .

Tohma thinks for a moment then says, "We might be able to arrange something."

* * *

Eiri gets ready to meet Ayaka.

He is in his pants, but still shirtless. After he washes his face and shaves with an electric razor , he puts his palms down on the sink counter, and stares himself down in the mirror .

He sees Tohma is in the reflection standing behind him.

Eiri doesn't bother to turn around. "How do I look." He asks Tohma's reflection.

Tohma's reflection answers. "You look very handsome Eiri."

Eiri looks at his clean face, at his bare chest. Is he? Eiri never thought that, but he has never been able to see what other people see. He had always simply thought that was beauty was only certain forms of ugliness projected in the right context.

But this is good. Thanks to Tohma, it means that his ugliness is being rightly projected.

"I am afraid though that your hair is a little mussed." Tohma steps forward. "Allow me."

Eiri turns to face him. He allows Tohma to gently fix his hair and sweep it back from his forehead.

"There." Tohma tells him. "That is better Eiri."

They regard each other carefully . Then Tohma rests one of his hand on Eiri's bare shoulders as if to steady him.

"I'm very glad you are going on this outing with Miss. Ayaka" Tohma asks him cautiously. "Are you?"

"Yes." Eiri tells him. A drop of water drips from his fingers to the floor. "I am."

"I must ask though, do think yourself ready for this Eiri? If not, we could have it arranged for some other time…."

"Yes I'm ready."

" But …what of him then?" Tohma frowns at him perplexedly. "What of… your friend? "

"You mean Shuichi Shindo?" Eiri replies.

"Yes." Tohma says.

Eiri says curtly. 'He's not real Tohma."

Tohma releases his shoulder and nods, as if to himself. He looks relieved at that answer.

Then Eiri asks him. "What shirt should I wear?" Eiri asks this, knowing that Tohma likes to pick his outfits.

Sometimes Eiri even finds clothes already lain out for him in the chair in the morning. No one takes credit for that.

Tohma goes to his closet.

He returns with the new light blue shirt. "This one."

* * *

To be continued….


	3. Believability pt2

Believability (Pt 2)

Hello Mr. Uesugi." Ayaka bows.

Ayaka has very long curtain of hair that partially hides her girlish, wholesome and pretty face, She wears clean simple makeup- or perhaps no make up at all. It's hard to tell sometimes. She is wearing modest long sleeves long hemmed mauve dress with a matching headband.

Eiri does not bow back. He can only stare at Ayaka like he might at an animal he has never seen before.

Ayaka looks nothing like any of the women he's been with in the past. Why Mika thought she would appeal to him is a mystery. But maybe that was the point.

Ayaka looks back at him confusedly. Her doe eyes drift down Eiri's front, then skittishly away to her tastefully simple shoes.

Eiri knows why she's looking at his chest. He left his shirt mostly unbuttoned despite Tohma's somewhat disapproving look. Perhaps doing that doesn't look as right with a more fitted shirt or in this setting. But new clothes or no, some habits die hard.

Remembering some form of etiquette, Eiri offers his hand forward. "There's no need for that. Call me Eiri. Thank you for coming Ayaka. I appreciate all the trouble you've gone through to get here."

Ayaka takes his hand with only slight hesitation. "It was no trouble at all. Thank you for inviting me."

* * *

They walk around the temple grounds of his family's garden together.

"What do you do Ayaka?"

"I just graduated university. I live with my family. At this time, I am not working but I do a charity work for my mother's committees and some other organizations."

That explains Ayaka's picture in the social papers.

"What kind of charities?" Eiri asks disinterestedly.

"I work for various causes. My mother's charity supports theatrical arts. As for my other interests, in my spare time I like to teach a class of underprivileged children." Ayaka speaks primly, but modestly. "I also like to volunteer at hospitals, and at the local animal shelter occasionally."

Eiri suppresses a sniff. He doesn't remember asking for her resume.

But it makes sense.

No wonder Ayaka agreed to spend time with him ,in light of all his afflictions. She must think this meeting as another act of charity.

Eiri is just another poor soul or wounded animal for her to nurse .

"That's impressive." Eiri finally comments. "What did you study in university?"

"I studied literature." Ayaka answers.

At that, Eiri raises a brow.

Perhaps in the most obvious conversational transition to ever come about. Ayaka says. " Mika told me that you like to write."

Eiri just looks at her flatly.

"Yeah." Eiri says expressionlessly. " But doesn't everyone claims to like doing something nowadays? They claim to write. Or paint. Or play music. Or something else. The pretense of being an artist is psychologically necessarily to a lot of insecure and unremarkable people, or to those who experience an absence of self who rather try and pass it off as artistic receptivity , because its such an easy thing to claim. Perhaps that too, reflects the degradation of art itself, in that people no longer feel there is no objective criteria to assess what a work of good art is or what a good artist does, so they can proclaim to be and do whatever they want without any approbation or any actual commitment to their craft."

Ayaka just stares back at him ,enormous eyed, hands tight in her lap.

" Do you write stories?" Is all she utters in response.

Eiri shoves his hands in his pockets. "I used to write love stories. I'm more of a poet now."

At heart, Eiri is a poet.

Why not? It's his bad poetry that got him into all this trouble in the first place.

That and Eiri has also been reading some modern freeform poetry lately and most of it couldn't be less worse, nonsensical and disturbed then some of the things he's written in the past. Perhaps Eiri thinks, if he had told everyone he was a poet instead of a romance novelist, he might have gotten away with his questionable antics longer.

"Do you let other people read your works?" Ayaka inquires softly.

'Not anymore." Eiri says.

When he did allow people to read it, he was committed.

" I write only for myself now." He specifies.

"I see. Still I should very much like to read some of your poems someday." Ayaka says (or lies) politely.

"Someday." Eiri also lies politely " I might let you."

They walk together silently for a minute or two, past the fountain that they have already passed twice.

"Do you know why that gentleman is following behind us?" Eiri says, still looking ahead.

Ayaka says nothing.

"That man is my minder." Eiri answers his own question. "He is following us because I'm not to be trusted. "

Ayaka says. "I… trust you Mr. Uesugi. "

"Heh. As long as he's close by, right?" Eiri leers to himself.

Ayaka looks at him sadly.

"Fair enough." Eiri nods, as if in agreement. "You shouldn't spent time around me. I'm not well."

They arrive at a bench.

"Would you like to take a seat?" Eiri asks her.

Ayaka nods.

Once they're seated, Ayaka replies quietly "It must be my own decision who I spent time around… and if you truly that unwell, then why did you request to spend time with me ?"

"I was curious to talk to you." Eiri says honestly. "Besides being too nice to refuse , I wanted to know what was it that made you come to meet me against your family's wishes."

Eiri knows Ayaka's family didn't want this meeting to happen. Of course they didn't. They want what's best for her.

"I don't know you very well " Ayaka murmurs.

That's for sure. Eiri thinks.

"All I do know of you is the few times I saw you when we were both very small. But I do remember even then- thinking you were different."

Eiri turns his head to stare at her.

"Not just because of… your appearance, but obviously you are very beautiful." Ayaka ducks her head bashfully down as she says that. " I meant your… presence. You were not like many of the other boys who were loud, and rough and mean. You were so quiet and sensitive and kind. I could tell you noticed everything around you. I liked that.

Ayaka continues shyly . "I remember, even then, you were always writing stories, but you never shared them with me or hardly anyone. That and there was… a certain loneliness about you that I thought was special. Even now, though you have a cool exterior and you're all grown up , I can still see it."

Eiri twists his head and looks away with a grimace.

After a moment he asks "Have you been kissed before Ayaka?"

Ayaka gapes. "Um. Yes. I have."

"And what else? Have you done other things?" Eiri demands. He glares at her, and sits forward, resting his elbows on his knees. "Are you still a virgin?"

" W-What?" Ayaka stammers. "I don't understand why you are asking me that…"

"It doesn't matter to me if you are or not." Eiri says coldly. "I'm just asking conversationally."

Ayaka gulps. "Pardon me for saying so, but that's not the kind of conversations I'm used to having!"

Eiri scoffs. "You don't have to answer then. "

They are silent for a moment.

"No. If you must know…. I'm not. I've been with a boy once." She says in a tiny voice. "In university."

Eiri is quiet. Then he says "You can ask me the same questions, if you want."

"W-What about you Mr. Uesigi?"

Time for his resume.

"My very first sexual experiences were not by my consent. Since then, I don't remember how many people I've slept with. Usually because I was under the influence of something at the time. " Eiri reports emotionlessly. "I've slept with some men too, but probably due to the abuse I underwent , I'm quite conflicted about that, and about my sexual orientation in general."

Ayaka mouth drops open. Then clamps shut.

"I suppose Mika didn't mention all that to you, did she?" Eiri remarks.

To her credit, Ayaka manages to sound composed ."No, she didn't."

" It's the truth." Eiri wishes he had a cigarette. He wishes he had many things, but he cannot allow himself think about that right now. "Does it make you uncomfortable for me to say it ? Do you not wish to see me now?"

"Yes….I mean no … "Ayaka looks at her lap. "I mean I don't mind seeing you … and it doesn't bother me. Rather it saddens me , and not because you said that you've had male lovers before. I respect your honesty in disclosing that because you are not misleading me about anything…but I am so very sorry those other terrible things happened to you."

"What good is it to be sorry? I didn't tell you so you'd pity me." Eiri snaps, his face suddenly hot and twisted with shame. "It was all my fault anyways. I deserved it. I was stupid. So don't act like it's a big goddamn deal. I wouldn't have told you about it if it mattered."

After a moment, Ayaka replies earnestly. "No, I do not pity you . I think you are very strong for having coming through all that… and I am still sorry nonetheless because no one should ever have to experience what you went through. I also assure you, no matter what you think you did, it was not in the slightest bit your fault, so please do not blame yourself. No one deserves to be hurt in such a way. And it does matter… because you matter. Not only to your family, but to me and many others as well. "

Eiri glances up at Ayaka with a vaguely disbelieving expression.

"You sound like my former psychiatrist." He tells her.

"I'm sorry about that too." Ayaka apologizes.

"No. Its alright." Eiri asserts. " My former psychiatrist was a very intelligent woman. We parted on good terms."

They are silent again for a brief time.

"But that' s enough retrospection for today." Eiri breaks the silence. "Another reason I asked you here today is that its Mika's birthday is coming up. Normally I wouldn't care, but since I'm living with them and I have nothing else better to do, I'm getting her a gift. Tohma already knows about it, that's why there's a car waiting."

Its also why he has a credit card courtesy of Tohma in his pocket.

"I don't know what to get her." Eiri goes on. "I thought you might be able to help me or maybe serve as a model. You two have similar hair, look around the same height and proportions, and you, being a woman, might know her tastes better than me."

"I don't know. Your sister is so beautiful and stylish." Ayaka says humbly.

Eiri looks her up and down." So are you."

Ayaka looks up at him with wide eyes . "Oh… Thank you. "

"There's no need to thank me." Eiri mutters and stands up from the bench."Where do you think we should go first?

* * *

At the shopping center ,their first purchase is a top hat for Tohma.

"I owe him a gift." Eiri explains to Ayaka.

As Ayaka looks at the women's accessories, gloves, scarves and the make up counter. Eiri discusses it with the clerk that he wants something embroidered inside the top-hat on the bottom of the hat's brim. He writes what he wants, fills in a order, then withdraws money from the credit card from an ATM, He pays cash so Tohma won't see the invoice. Eiri doesn't want spoil the surprise. He tells her when its finished to have it sent over to the house at a later time. He will wait until Tohma is away on his business trip.

On the way to the next shop, Ayaka stops to cast an admiring glance at a pink tea set with floral pattern painted on it in another window.

"Do you like that tea set." Eiri asks her.

"Yes, it is lovely…" She admits .

Eiri says. "Then its yours."

Without another word, Eiri goes into the shop to procure it for her. Ayaka follows after him

"No- I couldn't allow you to do that! !" Ayaka protests.

"No. I want to." Eiri affixes her with a determined stare. "So please. Allow me."

He can tell by the look on Ayaka face that her resolve is already gone. They're in the shop already.

Still she says weakly. "But… but we're supposed to buy something for Mika…"

"I'll buy you this present first." Eiri says. "Then we can go find Mika something."

After Eiri buys Ayaka the tea set, they meander into a high-end jewelry store.

"Should we… be in here?" Ayaka says timidly.

The cases are full of blinding candy-like jewelry around them. The lights are far too bright and the air conditioning is like that of a meat-locker.

"There's no reason for them to keep us out." Eiri says. The minder hasn't stopped them yet.

"But everything in here … must cost a fortune…" Ayaka whispers.

Eiri says. "Who cares." It's not his money.

"Good afternoon sir." The salesman of the shop greets them with an obsequious smile. "May I help you find this beautiful young lady something today?"

"No- we're not-" Ayaka starts,

"Oh yes, we are darling." Eiri puts an arm around Ayaka's shoulders . "What are we looking for?"

Ayaka stares at him enormous eyed. "What?"

Eiri leans into her ear and whispers. " Just play along."

Ayaka looks at him again, then erupts. "Um. Oh yes. "

"Yes…?" The salesman asks expectantly.

"We …want to look at your most expensive necklaces…and brooches please." Ayaka stammers.

Eiri looks down at her, feeling something akin to admiration, for her actual willingness to play along with this. He didn't expect her to.

"Very well." The salesman claps his hand. "Will there be anything else?"

" Yes and the tiaras as well." Eiri deadpans.

'Tiaras?" The salesman blinks.

" Yes." Eiri says completely straight-faced. " You see my wife and I are actually diplomatic representatives. We have to attend a gala function with various dignitaries of state overseas, in which we are going to be personally escorting the empress of Japan."

To finish , Eiri says dryly. "So yes, we will need tiaras."

* * *

When they leave the store, their faces are both pursed from restraining their laughter.

After they arrive at an acceptable distance , they eye each other and burst out laughing.

"Oh my!" Ayaka giggles behind her fist. She sneaks glances at the façade of the shop as if expecting someone to come after them. "I don't think we can go back in there again!"

The minder is still lurking around somewhere, but at the moment Eiri doesn't care. He is laughing, and he hasn't laughed since the hospital.

"I have no intention of ever going back there." Eiri smirks. "Their jewelry was damned ugly and that salesman was an idiot."

"Oh my. I've never done such a thing before- I mean trying on all that over-the -top jewelry and making up all those silly stories- "Ayaka giggles again. "Maybe its naughty to admit, but it was so much fun!"

Eiri looks down. She is clutching his arm.

Ayaka notices that too, then abashedly takes her arm away.

Eiri then says. "We should buy Mika something more simple."

* * *

They go to another jewelry store. This store is of a more moderate price range and their designs are far more wearable and subdued.

To cover more ground, Eiri and Ayaka separate to look through at the glass counters.

Eiri heads towards the pearl counter. Ayaka meanwhile is examines diamond rings. The engagement rings specifically.

"See anything that interests you sir?" The saleswoman asks.

"Yes. I'd like a closer look at the earrings please." Eiri points a pair of diamond and baroque pearl earrings out to the clerk. From what he can see, they are nice looking but not too expensive.

The saleswoman takes them out of the case, then places the earring on an black velvet lined tray. She proceeds to tell him about the carat weight of the diamonds (its an minuscule amount) and about the luster of the pearl, and where its from. She tells him the real focus of the piece is the unique beauty of the irregular pearl. There is small amount of white gold for the setting but its 14k not 18k, which he knows from his shopping with Tohma, is not as good quality.

Still, the earrings themselves are nice. At least Eiri thinks so.

"Ayaka." He calls to her softly.

"Yes?" She straightens herself.

"Would you try these earrings on please, so I can see what they look like for Mika."

"Certainly." Ayaka says.

The saleswoman helps her put them on. Then they all look together at Ayaka in the full length mirror.

The earrings are a good length. They contrast nicely with dark hair and the diamonds, for being small, have a great deal of sparkle.

"What do you think?" Eiri says.

"They're beautiful." Ayaka answers softly.

"They look good on you.' Eiri appraises them for one last time. " Alright. We'll take them"

* * *

They buy the diamond and the baroque pearl earrings for Mika's birthday presen, and after their outing is done, Eiri walks Ayaka to her door.

"I had a very enjoyable morning and afternoon." Ayaka tells him. "Thank you very much for the invitation."

"Good." Eiri says. "Thank you again for your help."

They shake hands again.

"Goodbye Ayaka."

"Goodbye Eiri."

Instead of going inside, Ayaka waits for him to get into his car and waves to him as he is being driven off.

* * *

Eiri manages to grab hold of the house's landline for a moment. He looks around. Amazingly he is alone, so he makes a call with trembling fast fingers. It rings shrilly.

He is not expecting anyone to pick up, but when it is picked up, Eiri says into the reciever "Hello its me."

"Eiri?" His former psychiatrist says. "It has been a while."

"Yes it has. A lot has happened since we last spoke. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I wanted to call you to apologize to you about the things I said to you at our last phone call." Eiri sighs. "They were undeserved. I meant no disrespect to you. "

"It's no matter Eiri. How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay." Eiri whispers. " Sorry. I'm talking in such a soft voice right now. I rather no one hear me. I'm not supposed to talk to you."

"Why is that?"

"Tohma and Mika consider it your fault that I ended up like this."

There is silence from his former psychiatrist's side.

" As for me, I don't" Eiri hushes. "I know you saved my life ."

"You saved yourself Eiri." The psychiatrist says firmly. "You were the one who called me that evening and reached out in your time of need. That took tremendous resourcefulness and strength."

"Yes." Eiri asserts. "Exactly. I called _you_. I think Tohma and Mika are more upset that I didn't call _them_ instead."

"Why would you think that?"

"Just a hunch. Do you think they really care for me?"

"What do you think Eiri?"

"I think they sincerely believe that they do. They're my legal guardians after all. Was that by your recommendation?"

"No. It wasn't. They had several other referrals but not mine. Also, the call I made to police was on public record, so that could be used as evidence in their claim, but I didn't volunteer any other information. Nor could I. Everything else in our sessions were confidential."

"So even … if I had … killed myself- you could have never told them anything we talked about if they asked for it?"

"No. As your doctor, I ethically could not."

Eiri grimaces. "You aren't my doctor anymore."

"I still could be. We could continue our sessions long distance, over the phone if you would like."

"It wouldn't be the same. I would rather see you in person. That and like I said before, Tohma and Mika wouldn't have it." Eiri hears footsteps. "I have to go."

* * *

At the end of their second date, Eiri says to Ayaka. "Would you like me to kiss you."

"Only if… you wish to." Ayaka says awkwardly. She clutches the sunflowers he bought (or rather Mika bought for him to give her) like a shield to herself. "Then I'm fine with it."

Eiri turns and puts his hands on her waist. Ayaka being substantially shorter, has to arch her neck to look up at him. She reluctantly puts the bouquet aside.

"Are you nervous?" He asks.

"A little." Ayaka admits. "Are you … ?"

"No. I'm not." Eiri replies. " But there's no need for you to be nervous either Ayaka. If you don't like it, we'll stop."

Eiri leans in little by little. Ayaka's eyes grow larger and larger as he does.

He kisses Ayaka on the mouth. He kisses her very slowly, leisurely, letting his fingers tilt her chin to the right angle. While Eiri kisses, he gradually moves his fingers to skim up Ayaka's jaw line, then to caress the curl of her ear, then to gently play with her hair.

When he's finishes, he moves back.

"How was that?" He says

Ayaka's eyes are closed. "No one has kissed me like that before."

Eiri does not bother to ask what that means.

"Do you want me to stop?" Eiri asks.

Ayaka's eyes are still closed. "No."

He kisses her again.

This time , her arms wrap around his neck.

* * *

Their third date they discuss writing. More specifically his writing. They sit at a picturesque teashop with a seat by the window. The sunlight streams in.

"What made you want to start Eiri?' Ayaka sips her tea daintily.

Eiri thinks, and puts down his coffee.

"As a child I liked to write. When I was older… I cared for someone who was a writer. Then, I wanted to express my feelings about them."

"What happened to that person?"

Eiri regards her grimly. Near angrily. "They're dead now."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"No. Its…" Eiri closes his eyes.

He falls silent, unable to speak. Eiri can't say what it is. It is not 'fine.' , it is not 'alright'. It never will be in anyway those things and he cannot allow himself to think of it, but then he did bring it up.

Eiri cannot bear retaining for any extended period those thoughts and memories of both his actions and what has been done to him. He fears what will happen to himself if he does. He was already institutionalized once. He thinks of when (or when he believed) he had his gun and the desire to have it again. There is nothing he can say.

"Eiri?" Ayaka asks concernedly. "Are you alright?"

Eiri ignores that question. And what about you Ayaka? What made you want to study literature?"

Ayaka thinks.

"As a child… I always loved to read." Ayaka says contemplatively. "Then when I was older, I started to care for someone who liked to write. Then, I wanted to know how to understand how they expressed their feelings."

Eiri says nothing.

"You said you used to write love stories, and now you don't. Why did you stop Eiri?" Ayaka sips her tea again .

"I stopped because I couldn't write a good one." Eiri answers the question truthfully. "They weren't believable."

"But did you believe in them?"

"For a while I did."

"Maybe in time, you will believe in them again."

"And you Ayaka? Do you believe in what you read?"

"Yes." Ayaka says. " If its true."

"And if its not?"

"If its beautiful enough…" She answers quietly. "I don't think it matters."

* * *

On their fourth date, they go to a movie theater.

Eiri did not want to see this movie. It was Ayaka's choice. Or maybe not even her choice. Maybe Tohma or Mika chose for them.

Ayaka eats from the popcorn bag in small nervous pecks. Occasionally Eiri reaches his hand in the bag and grabs a rudimentary handful and eats it that way.

Neither of them are probably paying attention to the movie.

Bored, Eiri does what's expected of him. He puts his arm around her.

"Eiri." Ayaka whispers. "Are you enjoying the film so far?"

Eiri ignores that. "Would you like some cola Ayaka?" He doesn't take his eyes off the screen.

She nods. "Yes please."

Eiri picks up the drink.

"Now when I say… open your mouth." Eiri instructs. He takes a small sip of their cola into his mouth through the straw. Then he puts the drink down back in the armrest.

"Now." Eiri utters as he leans in.

He kisses Ayaka. He lets the remainder of cool fizzy cola he's held slowly trickle into her gaping mouth as he does. Then keeping her still by the shoulders, he tastes the cola in her mouth by quickly slipping his tongue inside. Then he licks her lips to clean away the remnants .

Ayaka gasps and backs away in her seat. She stares, her eyes are startled and glassy in the half-light.

Eiri looks at her intently. He licks his own lips.

Images are still flickering on the screen between them.

Ayaka's mouth plunges into his.

Her kiss is a sensory overload of taste and smell and sensation, of tacky fruity lip gloss, popcorn, and soda. As their kiss gets deeper, Eiri can even taste the tea she drank this morning. Her lips are yielding, warm. He can smell her perfume- it smells like jasmine. Her hands hold the back of his head. His hands fall to smooth over the entirety of her back.

Eiri can feel the string- of-pearl architecture of Ayaka's spine and the edges of her shoulder blades. He can feel the straps and the clasp of her bra beneath her shirt.

Eiri takes advantage of a moment when Ayaka separates to breathe, and lifts the arm rest up so there's no longer anything between them.

Ayaka shifts over and presses herself against him. Her breasts are crushed against his flat chest. They are full, weighty, padded, and warmly protected under her bra.

Eiri wonders what Ayaka is thinking. Does she want him? Does she want to go to bed with him, even after what he told her about himself? If she did, would she enjoy it?

Would he?

For lack of a better term, they "make out" for the remainder of the film.

* * *

"So I take it your date with Ayaka went well?" Mika says when he returns.

"It went alright." Eiri grunts .

"Yeah." Tatsuha teases and yanks at Eiri's collar which has a bright steak of Ayaka's pink lip gloss on it. "From the looks at it, you must have really enjoyed the movie, huh bro? Hey, did it stay PG 13, or did it get all Rated R in there?"

"Shut up will you. " Eiri steps back and clamps a hand over the stain his neck. "That's none of your business."

"That's not gonna help just covering that up bro." Tatsuha snickers. "Why don't you take a look at yourself."

Eiri treads towards the closest mirror and sees.

Eiri's face and neck is with covered lip-gloss prints. His hair is wild from Ayaka running her fingers through it. His shirt collar is also crumpled and uneven, from where Ayaka clutched at it

He looks absolutely absurd.

Eiri storms out.

He hears Tatsuha and Mika erupt into laughter when he's left the room.

"Its wonderful. He's doing so much better don't you think?" Eiri hears Mika tell Tatsuha.

"Yeah its awesome Mika." He hears Tatsuha say in response. "You know… even though the guy always acts like there's a mile long stick up his ass… I've really missed him."

* * *

On Mika's birthday she has two celebrations. As Tohma is traveling for business, he could not be there, although he sent a great deal of gifts and helped organize Mika's celebrations from a distance. One celebration is with her casual friends during the day , and a more private celebration with relatives (including Tohma's parents and siblings) and closer friends at night. Father was present for that one. Though in the same room, Eiri and Father avoided each other. This suited both of them. In fact Eiri stayed back for most of the evening, preferring to watch the festivities from his corner of the room.

At the dining room table , after all the festivities , Mika opens the presents her friends gave her as per the polite custom to open presents at home, not in front of her guests.

As she does opens gifts and then writes thank you cards, Eiri stands in the doorway.

Eiri says to her. "Happy birthday Meeks."

"Meeks?" Mika's eyes widen and she looks up. "You haven't called me that in so long."

"I guess I'm feeling nostalgic ." Eiri saunters forward and puts a box in front of her.

"Whats that Eiri?"

"Its the present I got you."

"A present? Eiri… You didn't have to do that!"

"But I wanted too. You can open it later if you want."

"No" Mika takes the present into her hands. "I'll open it now."

She gasps as she unwraps it and pries open the box to reveal the baroque pearl earrings. "Oh Eiri."

"Do you like them." Eiri asks.

" Of course." She sighs. "They're absolutely exquisite. I'm going to put them in the safe."

Mika goes to do that. Eiri follows her to her room.

"Eiri." She looks up from twisting her safe's dial. She stops, seeing that he has followed her and has no intention of leaving. "Is there anything the matter?"

"No.. just.." Eiri looks down . "I really hope you like your gift.

"I told you I love the gift! I love the surprise of it. Where did you get them? How did I not know about it?"

"I got them on my date while with Ayaka, and I did want it to be a surprise. I also got a gift for Tohma then because he was in on it and he facilitated the surprise. Its in a box in the front hall. Will you send it to him in Tokyo overnight?"

"Sure I will." She agrees.

" I'm glad you like your present Mika." Eiri says. "I know you don't wear pearls that often but I choose them because they're your birthstone."

Mika shakes her head. "That's so thoughtful. I didn't even think you knew what my birthstone was…"

"I do. I remember you wore pearls when you married Tohma.

"Yes I did." Mika smiles. She opens the box of earrings again to admire them. "These earrings almost look like a pair of earring mother had. Do you remember that?"

" I do." Eiri says. "that's why I chose them."

They fall silent.

"I miss her Meeks."

"I do too Eiri."

"That's why I got you them."

"That is so sweet of you to say Eiri." Mika murmurs. She closes the box and puts it down.

"I have to tell you something else." Eiri says solemnly.

"What is it?"

"I …wanted to tell you before… when I was sick, I didn't think I would … be here on your birthday. But thanks to you and Tohma I am. And I'm … grateful. I'm grateful for every day and every chance you've given me. Where a lot of people may have given up you didn't. You believed in me." Eiri swallows. "And I want to say ... even though sometimes I may act like a jerk, I do love you both- and yeah.." He looks away irritably. "I even love Tatsuha too. "

Mika's eyes are glistening. "Oh Eiri. You're going to make me cry.

"I'm sorry,"

"No. I mean from happiness. This is the best birthday gift you could have given me. Do you realize how long its been since we talked like this?"

"I can't remember. Don't cry yet. Please. I need to talk to you about something else important. Can I?"

"You can talk to me about anything Eiri."

"You promise not to tell anyone else?"

"I promise."

"Its about Ayaka." Eiri winces.

"What about her?" Mika leans in. "Are you feeling comfortable with your relationship with her?"

"I'm …" Eiri says with difficulty. He turns away. "No…its-"

"You're what? " Mika inquires. She places one hand on his shoulder, the other hand on the dial of the safe to steady herself as she turns him back to face her.

"This is harder than I thought." Eiri puts a hand on the back of his neck. " I'm not used to taking about these things. "

"Its okay. Take your time."

"I'll just come out and say it. When I'm with Ayaka… I feel different… happy. She… makes me feel better about everything… so I think…maybe… I'm in love with her."

"You what?" Mika's jaw drops. Her hand twists.

The safe swings open.

* * *

Finally Eiri has a chance to wear his new formal suit.

Over dinner at a fancy restaurant, Ayaka says. "Mika told me you are in love with me."

Ofcourse. Eiri thinks. Of course Mika would tell her, after promising him not to.

"Yes, That's what I told her." He says. "Did she tell you anything else?"

"She tells me … that she approves." Ayaka blinks. "if you wish to make a commitment with me."

"I see." Eiri takes a swig of his water. "And what is your opinion of that? "

"Are … you really in love with me?"

Eiri leans back in his seat. " Do you love me."

"I rather you answer my question first. " Ayaka swallows.

Eiri offers his hand across the table, narrowly avoiding the candle between them.

She takes it. He squeezes it.

He knows the minder is still watching them. He wonders if the minder enjoys watching them. They never have a moment's peace.

Eiri leans over the table. He grabs Ayaka and passionately kisses her on the mouth.

After her initial shock, Ayaka kisses back.

Eiri pulls away to peek from the corner of his eye.

Knowing the gravity of this dinner, the minder has turned away to give them their privacy.

"You still didn't answer- whether you love me or not-" Ayaka says shakily after their kiss. Even in the dim light, she's flushed.

Eiri rises. Then he slides to sits next to her in the booth she's in.

Eiri takes Ayaka's delicate hand and slides it under his jacket, under his crimson shirt, to touch bare skin. He pulls her hand to rest on top of his heart.

"Your heart is beating so fast." Ayaka shivers.

"Yes." Eiri swallows, glancing around the restaurant. No one is nearby. He pulls her even closer.

"Is it beating fast because of me?" Ayaka falls into the plate of his chest.

Eiri doesn't answer. He allows a hand to stroke the back of her head

Ayaka then takes his hand and mirrors his action, turning her shoulder to make sure that noone can see it. She takes Eiri's hand and slides it under her sweater, under her blouse, then past her bra, until his hand touches her soft warm bare breast. Eiri stares down at his hand, concealed and tucked into by her clothes, cupping her chest.

Then he feels it under his hand. Her heart is beating fast too.

" See?" Ayaka trembles and lays her head on his shoulder. "You make mine beat faster too. . I must confess… that I do love you Eiri. I have loved you since the moment I saw you, ever since we were children. Even then, I always wanted to be the one to take your loneliness away. I wanted to be the one who could help you."

After hearing this, Eiri kisses her cheek. Instead of moving away, he stays there, mouth pressed to her cheek. He grips her even tighter.

"Ayaka. You must listen to me. You were right. There's no one else who can help me." Eiri whispers intensely into her cheek. "Except you. Can you do that for me? Will you please help me? You must. You're the only chance I have to take my loneliness away."

Ayaka falls back to see his face.

Eiri stares at her. He is trembling too.

" I would do anything for you Eiri." Ayaka then whispers ardently . "If it would make you happiest person in the world."

Eiri takes her by the chin and kisses her again longer this time.

He whispers in her ear between their kisses.

* * *

Mika is waiting for him when he gets home.

"So, how did it go?" She asks as soon as he walks through the doorway.

"Ayaka said yes." Eiri announces.

"You mean-" Mika gasps.

"Yes." He smiles. "We are engaged."

Mika cries "Oh Eiri!"

She leaps forward and hugs him. Eiri hugs back.

When she separate, she exclaims " This is so exciting! I have to call everyone- Father, Tatsuha, Tohma-"

* * *

"Tohma!" Mika sobs. "Something has happened-"

"Mika? What is the matter?"

"Its Eiri." Mika cries hysterically. "Eiri is missing!"

"What?" Tohma chokes. "Tell me what happened. "

"As you know, I told you about the engagement last night! When I woke up this morning, and went to look for him. I couldn't find him anywhere! I called Tatsuha- he's not with him. Ayaka doesn't know where he is. He's certainly not with Father! The car's gone- the maid thought I took him out for early drive this morning! She said she saw me take him! How is that possible?"

"Mika. We always keep the car keys in the safe so how could Eiri get the keys?"

"That's it, I opened the safe. Everything is gone! Our cash, and my jewelry is gone! Some of your valuables- My and his passport even. Our identification. Even the folder with all of Eiri's writings and papers are in them!"

"How could he have done it Mika?

"Oh my God. " Mika shudders. " Now I remember… On my birthday…"

"What happened?"

" Eiri… was acting so sweet, just like he used to act when he was little, you know? He talked to me about being in love with Ayaka- and all these other things…about missing our mother, about his feelings, about how much he loved all of us… I was so happy, shocked and distracted and I just opened and closed the safe in front of him while we were talking! I didn't even notice, but he must have seen the combination then!

Tohma clenches his eyes shut. "Why did you do that Mika? I told you _never _to compromise our security around Eiri."

"I'm sorry.I didn't mean to- I still can't believe it." Mika's voice quakes with emotion. "I just thought.. that he was finally… back to his old self. I thought he was finally letting us all back in- and he does this to us "

"Please think." Tohma interrupts her. "What else is missing? How long exactly has he been gone?

"Three or four hours I think."

"Call the police if you haven't already." Tohma commands. "I'll be on the first flight back over. Don't worry Mika. It hasn't been very long yet. Wherever Eiri's going, he won't get far.

Oddly enough, Tohma remembers he received something from Kyoto today. He looks inside the package.

Inside there's a top hat. Tohma examines it, to see something stitched inside the brim. He reads the message

"_A parting gift- E"_

* * *

Ayaka is driving him in Mika and Tohma's car.

She is dressed with sunglasses and beret like Mika's and put red lipstick on. At a distance she's passable and was all they needed was to have the morning maid see Eiri get into the car with her.

Before that Eiri had collected his things, wiped his laptop clean of all his files and search caches, and just be safe quietly destroys the laptop by putting a blanket over it and crushing it with his feet.

The 1st stop. Eiri goes to a gas station bathroom. (He has Ayaka wait somewhere else) While in the bathroom, he hastily he takes the scissors and black hair dye he stole from the barber shop visits from Tohma and hacks away at most of his hair. Then he puts on the gloves Tohma got him and scrubs the black dye onto what's left of his butchered hair. That way the dye doesn't stain his hands.

His next stop is the pawn shop. Awkwardly clad with a somewhat new appearance, he exchanges Mika's jewelry , Tohma's watches and cuffs, and the white gold cuff links Tohma got him, some of his designer clothes and in turn, takes the money. All cash. Probably less than what it's worth but still not a bad amount of money.

Eiri removes his own earring and pawns that too.

Next stop, a rundown convenience shop. He buys some cheap clothes (which he changes into in the car, Ayaka looking away the whole time). Then Eiri buys a cheap cell phone , some sunglasses, a baseball hat. And lastly, and most gratifying of all, a pack of cigarettes.

The passports and ID he will have to find someone to modify when he's able. That shouldn't be too difficult.

Ayaka drops him off at a distant bus stop. He buys a ticket.

"How do I look."

"Nothing like yourself." Ayaka smiles weakly at him. "But still handsome…"

"That's kind of you of say ." Eiri says as he puts on his sunglasses. "If anyone gives you any trouble, tell them I threatened and kidnapped you. Tell them you managed to escape, but I didn't tell you where I was going, alright? "

"I will."

"You better get back." Eiri says. "They'll be looking for you. Try and stall if you can. "

"I wish you luck Eiri." Ayaka takes his hands.

"Good. I'll need it." Eiri then grabs something from his pocket, and shoves it into her palm. "Here. These are for you."

She opens her palm and looks inside.

It is earrings they bought together for Mika.

"No Eiri- I can't take these." Ayaka shakes her head and tries to give them back. "You need to use whatever you have-"

"No. " Eiri tells her and closes her hand around them. "They suit you Ayaka. We got them together so I want you to have them."

"Thank you." Ayaka manages to smile, but there are tears in her eyes. "You know I truly love you… don't you Eiri?"

"Yes. I do now." Eiri says. "Thank you."

They embrace.

"Don't forget me." Ayaka whispers.

He holds her hand until he steps onto the bus.

* * *

He makes a call on his new phone.

"Hello Dr."

"Hello? Eiri?"

"Yes it is Eiri, but perhaps not for very much longer. "This may be the last you ever hear of me. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll be seeing you soon sometime."

What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to find him."

Eiri hangs up.

With all his writings held tightly under his arm, he gets off at his next stop.

* * *

THE END ...


End file.
